January  27,  2004

         Sometimes i marvel at the fact that Himself has encouraged this journal for so long.  As He expressed to someone recently, it does chronicle our lives together over the years.  But as He's an incredibly reclusive sort of person when it comes to what goes on in His personal life, i'm surprised He's allowed me to share what i have shared here.  But some things are left out - He detests if i've written about us having a spat (we do have them) - and i often wonder if years from now, i'll regret leaving that part of our history out. 

      And no, these thoughts do not spew forth because of a recent spat - we've been carrying on with life as usual thank you very much.  i think it's the word of the day that i chose, that has me being a bit more introspective today.

      i have ambivalent feelings about the sharing of the spats.  On one hand, the journal is a great way to vent feelings - and get them off my chest.  If i internalize my anxieties, then they get manifested in other ways - most often in negative behaviour.  So expressing the anxieties is usually better for me.  He's different.  He's perfectly content to internalize and deal with whatever is concerning Him, alone, and without the sharing of information with anyone else - including me.  Which drives me crazy sometimes.  It makes me feel like i don't count enough - and i can imagine that any female who reads this will know exactly what i mean.

      But perhaps the downs, as much as the ups, are important barometers to a relationship, and can be useful for staying on a good path.  i mean, it's a really long path - deciding to live with someone and committing for a lifetime is a very long walk.  i haven't been successful in walking that path with someone before.   There are days when i have huge anxiety attacks about blowing this new path.  i worry that i'll bore Him.  i worry that some sweet new submissive who's needy and needs direction, will appeal to Him more. And so on, and so on. 

      Sometimes i feel like i am not connected to Him at all (admittedly this is rare), but the rest of the time, i realize just how connected we are, and i don't know what to do with that.  i don't know if that means that i need to ask Him questions when He gets quiet, to draw Him out and make sure He's okay and understands that He can trust me with His thoughts.  Or just wait - and hope that this is the right thing to do.  If i ask this question - i don't get an answer. i don't think He knows either.

      In spite of all my little creative endeavors, He's still the more artistic of the two of us.  He lives in a place in His mind that i can only begin to understand.  And when He's out trying to do office type things instead of directing all that creativity to better endeavors, it makes Him crazy and He comes home grumpy.  When i'm out doing my corporate stuff and get caught in the politics of it all, i come home grumpy.  So there we sit - two old grumps.  And i go to bed feeling like we've missed something good.  

      i think it's the forgotten hugs.  i think we need to look at each other as anchors - and hang on more.    

     So yes, i'm feeling a bit frangible today. 

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