April 17,  2004

        Sleeping in doesn't seem to be an option these days.  Either my eyes pop open by 6:00 a.m. from wonky dreams, or the cats hop on the bed and say hey!  We want food.  It doesn't matter that our dish is full, you have to get up anyway.

      Grumble.

      i may try for the afternoon nap option today, as Himself wants to head off to an art gallery show tonight.  It's interesting how i view these shows now - where once i'd tour the room looking for my favourite piece (and then try to talk Himself into buying it!), now i tend to examine a bunch of them, really close up, to try to figure out what it is that the artist did to create the piece.  And then try to replicate that at home.  

     Heh.  It rarely works - but i keep trying :-)

      It's Himself's birthday tomorrow.  And i just realized it will be the 6th one i've known Him for.  Where the heck did all the time go?  And how come He's still so cute?????  Six years on my body has brought me closer and closer to being a clone of my mother - He only got whiter hair.  Sigh.

      This is the first time in my life that i've been in a relationship more than a few years without wanting to totally just move on.  In the previous relationships, by the time 5 years went by i was so emotionally detached.  i still had affection - i mean both were nice guys, and one the father of my children - but that affection was more like caring for your fellow human being, than being in love with your partner.  And if i really look closely, i can't completely blame them for my detachment.  i honestly believe our personalities were not suited to each other, but i also think it gets a bit more convoluted on my end.

      i think it has more to do with what i learned about love as i was growing up.  And the message was not a good one - if you love someone, they will eventually hurt you.  The adult me understands that we can often hurt the one we love accidentally - but that's not what i mean.  What i saw, and learned, was that people who love each other can intentionally hurt each other.  Which begs the question - are they really in love, or just in 'habit'.

      But anyway, my own experiences showed me that the people i was supposed to love, often hurt me.  So it was much better not to let anyone 'in' too deeply.  If you didn't let them get 'in', then when they hurt you, it would be more survivable.  But you are supposed to love your parents, right?  And what do you do with the guilt if you don't?  

      But i did.  And that's why these random thoughts keep cropping up - and little emotions arise that demand to be dealt with.  And why i'm scared to death of the fact that i love Himself so much.  

      It's hard to reconcile the fact that He doesn't have the intent to hurt me, with the reality that everyone else has.  And no matter how rationally you can slot it all into reasonable jargon, the reality remains that this is the first time i've really let anyone 'in', and after 6 years, i'm not detaching and running screaming for the hills.  

      With Him, i've lost the self-preservation technique that i've always held on to, so that when or if He hurts me, i can survive.  And i'm mostly glad of that - i think it means that i've gained something valuable.  But i have to admit, being emotionally vulnerable really does scare me.

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