July 6,  2004

       i casually mentioned to Himself that He HAD to pose for me ... He hasn't said no emphatically, although i admit He hasn't said yes, nor indicated He'd actually take His clothes off.

       That's okay - He's cute in shorts too.

       And i'm very, very glad His back has returned to some level of normalcy.  Especially at 5:30 in the morning, when i'm suddenly forced awake by a hand wandering 'round my tender bits and a long lean body moving over top of me.  Yum.  Then later lying peacefully together, with His hand slightly curled and resting heavy on my neck.  Perfect.

       It sent me straight to the "zone" and hours later, i still found myself drifting into the memory.  It's so weird when that happens - it's like you suddenly can't do anything and you are back exactly in that time.   

       Tonight i've come home to some instructions on what to prep for Him to cook, and to have my cuffs ready.  He's also been a bit more diligent about His expectations of hearing Sir from my lips *g*.  i confess to having slipped from that a bit as we seemed to drift away from our more formalized D/s.  It never gets very far away though, and right now it's hugely welcome as i struggle to stay out of the depression abyss.  

      i've hit that little wall that i always seem to hit from time to time, where nothing feels right.  It never lasts long, but for awhile it's like i don't feel right in my own skin.  i feel old, and ugly, and fat and untalented and wonder what the heck i was put on this earth for in the first place.  And mostly i just feel restless - like there's something i'm supposed to be doing, and i'm not figuring out what that is.  

      So then i spend all this time berating myself for being stupid, and eventually it goes away and all is right with my world again.  And having Himself's expectations, along with the rituals, helps speed up the process.

       Heh.  Not hard to tell i've had a frustratingly long day and i'm tired.  

       :-)       

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