July 31,  2004

       So the boss has been away on vacation for the past two weeks - and while i'm exhausted from all the extra work - i loved every minute of being out from under her thumb.  This is not good.  What it means is that i finally had a chance to run with a whole bunch of projects, independently, and showed a whole bunch of people what i could do.  This will a) not sit well with her when she's back, as people already had a tendency to come to me instead of her - and b) will frustrate me, because i'll have to go back to the way it was before, and not get the kudos for the work.

       There will come a point where i'll have to make a decision.  i used to think that life would be so much easier if i could just go there, do a little typing job - say yes a lot - and then collect my money at the end of the week.  i can't do that.  my mind sees a problem, or a challenge, and i just want to dive in and find solutions.  i need to keep learning.

        And i think i work better for men than women.  There is another female there who is more like me and has the same work ethic - so i might have been better working for her, but generally speaking, i just find working for men is a better fit to my personality.

        i've been a really "in-limbo" type of mood for awhile now.  i'm not sure why or even what is specifically motivating it.  It's probably triggered by many things - but it really does feel like i've hit a fork in my path, and i'm not sure which way to go.  So i'm just waiting.  

        i'm sure some of this is a result of my work indecisions.  And Himself may be in some work transition of His own.  And then my art seems to have come to a frustrating point of no progress - although in truth i'm sure that is because i have not been working at it more than a few hours a week.  i'll be 80 before i get even remotely better if i continue this pace!

        And i'm sure some of the angst has to do with the weather.  Can it rain anymore?!?  Himself told me i needed to get out in the sunshine - my natural paleness has progressed to looking like i'm under fluorescent lighting way too much these days - which is admittedly true.  But how the heck do i do that when all it does is RAIN AND RAIN AND RAIN?!?  i pity campers this year.  

         So all in all, i've been a lousy conversationalist and journal-updater this month.  i can only hope that August will be better.

         And now i've just remembered something.  i ALWAYS get like this right before my birthday.  It's that "oh-my-gawd-time-is-running-out" thing that i get hit with.

         Blech.

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