December 5,  2004

    So i've been painting a bit more - and learning from a new person, especially about the use of a palette knife (click thumbnail) - and it's actually turning out not too bad.  It's fun actually - which is something i didn't expect, as my first experience with a palette knife was pretty painful.  (Now if it had been classic knife play THAT would have been a different story.  But for those of you who want to scare the beejeezuz out of your submissive - show her a real knife, blindfold her, and then just whip out the palette knife. She won't know. Psyche!)

      Anyway, one of the paintings i'm working on is the seated girl, and for the background i used a bit of my newly learned technique.  i do admit that i like the direction its going in now.  And it does make for very interesting backgrounds.  And guess what?!?

      Some woman was walking by the shop, saw the painting and came inside and asked the owners how much i was charging for it!   It's not even finished!  

      Blow me over with a feather!  This. is. very. exciting!  At first i was totally taken aback - especially as i can see areas where she still needs work - but the instructor was very cavalier about the whole thing - "just sell it" he says.  

      So if this woman comes back, i think i will.  If not, i'll finish off the spots i think need work, and maybe hang her up at home for awhile.  

Speaking of hands:

      Himself started off my morning with a yummy bit of spanking.  Life is good.  

      i sit here examining why the spanking satisfied me so much.  There wasn't a lot of it - so i'm not floating about right now.  But it did trigger something and i think that "something" was His assertiveness.  i think because i blast around all week (and too many nights and weekends lately) having to be in charge and in control at work, and then coming home and not having any rituals or discipline - no instruction - just allows me to stay on the control treadmill.  And i really hate that.  It makes me edgy.

      i've got this huge work ethic (which is why i survived the downsize) and when people don't get with the program, it really drives me crazy.  So i take over, things get done, i get grumpy because i've now become overworked ... and i'm frustrated because i don't have the people resources to delegate to anymore.  (Yes, by the end of things i was delegating tasks to my previous boss.  Somebody had to do it!)  And i'm quickly discovering that my new teammate is the political darling - that i probably don't stand a chance against.  (Anyone who knows corporate politics knows exactly what i'm talking about right now.)

      So then all this anxiety comes home with me.  And if there are no clear instructions for me from Himself - i carry the "office" me, into our evening. Last Friday was a perfect example.

      Because of all the long hours, by Friday nights i'm totally burnt.  i'm a mess.  So is He.  This particular night we had a friend over for dinner.  Which was cool, as we had not seen her in a long while.  

      i dragged my butt in the door to see them both sitting visiting at the dining room table.  Himself had already poured a drink, and so i asked if anyone minded if i had one as well.  i was exhausted and depressed and just needed to sit and be quiet with them.  Himself said to go ahead, and so i poured and then sat with them.  (All this time i was under the impression that because He had a drink, He'd already offered our friend something.)  

      Mere minutes later, He asked our friend if she would like some tea, and then turned to me and instructed that i put the kettle on.  i reacted poorly.  i was pissed, to be more accurate.  And i didn't hide that fact.  

      Six million things went through my head:  Why didn't HE put the water on - He'd already been home and had a chance to catch His breath.  HE wasn't up at 6 a.m. Didn't He care how tired i was? Why was He pulling the dominant move now - when there was company to see - when i don't get that daily anymore.  You can see where all this was going. 

      Then i felt bad for our friend, and assured Her that for Her i'd do anything.  And i did make the tea.  And then i felt guilty for making Himself look bad in front of the friend.  And later apologized.

      But all of this has stuck in my brain this weekend, and underlined how important it is that He and i keep clear roles in our relationship.  Yes, we have more than D/s - i'm sure if we didn't we'd be long apart by now.  But the D/s continues to be an important part of my emotional make-up.

      So i might be out there makin' the bacon' .... but He's got to continue to tell me what to do with it.  Damnit!

      Ah.  Rants do feel so good, don't they?

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