December 26,  2004

      Day four. (Entry from the vanilla journal)

     We had the loveliest day yesterday! In attendance were all the kids, as well as one of his brothers and his children, and one of the cousins. We squeezed 9 people around the table and ate mightily of Himself's excellent food. We exchanged gifts and laughed a lot. It was all just really nice. 

      And i felt like His mother was with us this year. Last year i think it was all too new and raw that she was gone. This year it felt more melancholy. But a bit more accepting as well. i'm not sure that makes sense because we never want to lose our loved ones, but i guess as i get older i begin to understand the reality and inevitability of the life cycle. That was driven home a bit on Christmas Eve, when i called my aunt. She was so sick that she could only say hello, and then excuse herself because she just couldn't sit up. And i could hear the inevitable weakness in her. i've been trying to digest that ever since.

      Yikes, i'm pensive today. Perhaps because of all of the above - and perhaps because i'm feeling a bit guilty for sitting here in a warm house while snow swirls all about outside, contentedly drinking tea as Himself and his daughter are sleeping in their respective bundles of blankets. i feel lucky. But i digress. 

      Another reason why it felt like his mother was with us this year, is because we used her good dishes at the table. i'm not necessarily a superstitious person - but sometimes it feels like i "know" things, or that things come to me in my dreams. Almost like an outside person talking to me. (Okay, okay - don't get me certified now!)

      Anyway, a few weeks ago i had a dream, and in that dream "someone" told me to use the good dishes. i don't have "good" dishes. We just have our everyday, regular stuff. And the dishes i'd received from my own mother i had given away to some friends in need a long time ago. 

      i told Himself about the dream, and we discussed how ethereal it all was - but it did feel like i was being "told" to use the good dishes, and it felt like it was his mother telling me. And he had brought her set home when he was packing up her house, but had left them packed in our basement. He agreed we should use them. 

      So we found them, unpacked the pieces we needed and set them on the table. i have to say, it looked quite beautiful when the table was set.

And it felt peaceful and right.

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