January 8,  2005

     Not hard to tell i'm back at work.  Days go by without writing again.  And Himself and i have little to no time to cuddle.  i hate that.  Especially since, when there's no cuddle time, i tend to have more erotic dreams and wake up from half-finished arousal.  In a perfect world, i'd be sleeping in - ergo would not worry about waking Him up for a nice romp.  But when i see the clock and know we both only have a wee bit of time left before hauling our butts out into the cold - i don't have the heart to wake Him up.  

      We've also decided to lessen the wine consumption in the house.  Our 'wine with dinner' is no longer, and i'm finding that without those couple of glasses i take forever to fall asleep.  Part of the problem is because just as i can feel myself drifting off, He'll start snoring (He is a LOUD snorer), or a cat will jump on the bed.  Solving the cat problem is easy - i can shut them in the basement.  Solving the snoring problem is not so easy.

      In desperation i've gone to our spare bed a few times, but then i feel guilty because i don't want to leave Him alone in our  bed.  i mean, i moved in here to be with Him - all the time, not selectively.  And the last relationship (when it was falling apart) found me with not only my own bed, but my own room even.  So one of the nights this past week found me lying beside Him in tears, feeling upset that if i left to the other bed i would be ruining the relationship, but then it was 1:30 in the morning and i had to be up at 6:00 and i hate my job and why aren't we rich and why can't i just sleep like normal people and why aren't the sleep-eze kicking in !?!?

      You get the idea.

      Of course i've been discussing this with my car-pooling buddy (who is part of the reason i have to get up so early - she likes to go to the gym before work and if i want the ride i have to fit into her schedule.  And don't even get me started on going to the gym - i tried - i hate it.)

      And so our discussions have also evolved into the "why can't you get to sleep easily" stuff.  And i remembered that i've been like this since i was a kid.  i used to lie awake for hours - listening to what was happening in the house.  And it was pretty awful stuff on a regular basis.  

       i also never knew if one of the parents would come into my room at any given time.  And either touch inappropriately, or haul me out of the bed to call cops, or i'd be hit for some perceived transgression.  Or just to serve more beer.

      So as my car-pooling buddy pointed out, i've got a lot of years of 'don't sleep' conditioning.  And as i mull all this over in my mind, i realize even today i will lie awake doing 'what if's'.  Like, what if someone sneaks into the house and up those stairs and beats us?  Gah.  Things that go bump in the night have always been a reality for me i guess.

      So anyway - Himself has had a week of no wine and sleeping like a baby.  i have had a week of about 4 hours sleep per night - and Friday and Saturday night having wine.  i needed sleep, damnit!  

      Life isn't all bad however.  One big work project is nearing completion, and i'm still reasonably sane after it's all said and done.  And yesterday i had a perfect day ignoring all work responsibilities and just painting.  

      i started at about 9:30 a.m. and went to almost 4:30 p.m.  Then came home and read art magazines, and did a bit of sketching.  Had a wonderful meal with Himself, a few glasses of wine, caught up on a book i started reading awhile ago (while snuggled in bed beside the big guy who - you guessed it - was already snoring) - and then had a great night's sleep.  

      On the downside i have to do some work today - but hopefully it won't take too long.  And then i'll be back to more art stuff.   

      Can we way 'zen'?   :-)

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