January 30,  2005

      The winter bog is not exactly going away.  i think it's probably tied to my self esteem slump (10 lbs be gone!), the weather, the inertia to do anything more than sit here at the computer and take a break occasionally to do some painting.  Maybe i should make a list of what i need to get done.  It might be motivational.  Although at this point, i have a feeling it will just increase my sense of being overwhelmed.

      i know a good part of all this is the work situation.  It's so hard to know what to do.  But then i'm like this with every job - once i'm there i tend to settle in for the long haul, regardless of whether it's the right fit for me or not.  

      This time however, the amount of pay and my age has been praying on my mind, while trying to make the decision to either stay or to look elsewhere.

      i'm a big girl - i understand that there's going to be something about every job that a person won't like.  The minute you have to work with other people practically guarantees that.  Having said that, i still think working in a smaller environment is easier than working in the corporate world.  Or maybe it's just me - i'm used to smaller places - ergo my comfort zone is being challenged.  But i'm into year 4 now, and that comfort isn't getting any better.  The longer i'm there, the more i dislike corporate politics.

      i am just not getting the 'point' to all of it.  Himself's work at least has a 'reason' for being - it allows creative people to explore and express and create their visions - people who otherwise might not have been given an opportunity to showcase their work.  What's the point of mine?  i haven't a clue.  'They' tell me it's important - that i'm helping to make 'it' happen.  But the 'it' is simply making sure that everything runs smoothly for a bunch of people to get together and discuss 'corporate business'.  Will i be missed if i'm gone?  Nope.  i'm VERY easily replaced.

      All this goes through my mind, and then i say okay what are the good parts?  Well the pay is decent (for what i do), the benefits are good, and i'm saving money for the first time in my life.  And since 50 is looming, having a stash of money to retire on is much better than living in a park with a grocery cart of my worldly possessions.

      i can switch jobs (hopefully without too much trouble) in the  corporate world.  And maybe even get back downtown.  But then i'm still in the corporate world.  With the reasonable money.

      i can switch jobs and get something that has less pressure.  Work in a clothing store (did that once and liked it), work in a smaller office (been there, done that, liked it) ... or even try to get into a small art gallery.  THAT would excite me.  

      But i wouldn't be making the money i need to retire.  Nor have the health benefits.  Hmm .. i'd save on the 'corporate clothing' expense though.  

      And round and round i go on my internal circular debate.  Where's the off button?     

      On a much nicer note, Himself and i are celebrating 5 years collared, in the next few weeks.  

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