December 1, 2001

      i know.  It's been two weeks since i posted.  i'm being told this often.  And now that i'm finally here i haven't a clue where to start - or even remember everything that's happened.

     One of the guys at work said i'd soon discover that the carpet glue is on the top instead of underneath.  Meaning that once the company has you, they keep you forever.  Sort of the fly in the spider web syndrome.  i'm believing this, especially since last night was the first night i actually left nearly on time.  It was 5:15 instead of 6 or later.  i'm loving it, but lordy it's exhausting.  

     By the time i crawl into the house (pushing 7 o'clock or more) all i want to do is get rid of my tight clothing, have a glass of wine and talk with Himself.  It's been a month now however, so i know this will pass eventually and i'll get energy back.  

     Himself has been pushing the D/s thing a bit more lately though, and i am more than a little bit appreciative of that.  It's helping to keep my mind on track - helping separate the "them and us" effect that full time employment brings.  Last Tuesday i came home to the written instructions of getting into my fuzzies, donning the wrist and ankle cuffs, and cooking dinner.  i was to leave the dishes that weren't done alone, as He would deal with them.

     Perfect.  i love coming home to this.  i have no choice but to focus on Him and us and who we are with each other.  i have to shed the work day immediately.  And this time there was a bit of humour added in that He didn't even realize was happening, which made it all seem even more lighthearted and perfect.  For when i went into the kitchen there wasn't an inch of available space to start prepping dinner.  And i wasn't allowed to wash the dishes... which would have been difficult anyway since i had the cuffs on.  

     In the end i decided that unloading the dishwasher of clean dishes.. and reloading what i could, wasn't really doing dishes, so i managed to find some space.  The next problem however, was the cooking.  He'd left a menu of sorts; fried rice, asparagus and arctic char.  

     Arctic char?  How the heck do you cook that?  And i've lost all confidence for cooking since i've moved here anyway, as He's of chef calibre most of the time.  Who wants to compete?

     In the end a girlfriend helped me out with the marinating instructions (apparently arctic char is delicate)  and i did the rest of the prep work.  So when Himself came in everything was ready and He did the cooking.  (i think He'd have turfed me out of the kitchen anyway.)  One lovely dinner together, some nice wine, and a cuddle in bed ended a perfect night.  Not completely what He intended i think, but by the time we'd finished all that, sleeping won out over scening.

     my head has been in a lovely space ever since.  And He's added a few more assertive things, such as a task to get my cell phone bill paid with precise instructions on how much time i have, and organizing my money woes for me.  Take it away from me please - i'll just spend it all!  To many people these things would seem mundane, but for me, not having to be in charge is heaven.

     We did have one night of scening though, and i've discovered my tolerance is pretty low.  Or at least it seems that way to me.  i've also discovered my body issues are rearing their ugly head again.  And see.. this is why i need to find more time to do entries.  The memory of that night is a happy drifty haze in my mind - but not fresh and clear enough to write every little nuance about.  And someday i'm going to regret that - when i want to read back.

     i guess the body issues are easier to think about right now because we are attending a play party tonight and even though the big guy doesn't ever strip me naked in public.. there's still enough of me exposed.  And that comfy zone around my middle, hips and thighs has gotten a bit more.. well comfy.  The only good part about tonight will be the fact that we are going to be with good friends - not a bunch of strangers in a public venue.  

     Although in a public venue most people don't give a darn.  In a private one, there's more chance of speculation and opining of my weight.  Bleck.

     When am i ever going to get over myself and stop worrying about things that don't matter to people who really like who i am?  In my defense, i am working in a young environment and feeling a bit like the granny sometimes.

     On the upside, Himself has a way of making our scenes feel like we are alone - He's a lot more affectionate during a scene than some dominants are.  And then, He also won't scene if He feels both of us, or even one of us, haven't gone to the right head space to begin with.  i like that.  

     i guess part of this angst is stemming from the fact that we've gotten out of the 'habit' as well.  The habit of going regularly to these parties - of getting dressed up and toting along the toy bag.  We've gotten used to staying at home and snuggling.  Of indulging in a 'them and us' world, where we don't go out often into the 'them' environment.  And maybe i'm just being more selfish and clingy about the privacy of our life.

     Having said all that, i'm still looking forward to the visiting.  Play or no play.  It will be good to catch up with everyone - share a bit of food and wine and gossip.  i'll be happy with just that. 

     But no way am i getting into the hot tub!

     My daughter arrived in town on Sunday.  She's working kiosks in the mall - getting sponsors for needy children of the world.  And loving every minute of it.  

     It's certainly not something i ever expected to see her do ... being assertive and social.  But i don't remember ever seeing her this pumped about something and she's more than a bit happy i think.  It probably helps that there are several good looking young men working with her, but i'm sure she'd deny that.  

     She even ate some of Himself's pasta!  Well i had to strain the sauce so that the meat was gone, but i think the fact that the sauce had been cooked with meat in the first place totally skipped her vegetarian mind.  We may fix her yet *smiling*.  But who really bested who here?  i'm now the proud sponsor of a little girl who's only seven and lost her mother.  

    In other news (ha ha - i like saying that) i was contacted via email by someone whom i went to high school with.  Sheesh.  i've knew this woman when i was 14!  And she has put me in contact with an old neighbour and it turns out the two of them (without knowing it) live a block away from each other.  Is this a small world or what?  

     Now i'm getting bombarded with the questions about my life... this ought to get interesting.... 

     More later... i promise!   

     On an aside:  i received some really touching emails this week that made me feel really good - both about myself and about them.  Thank you very, very much for sharing. :)

                

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