December 3, 2001

      Check out the little banner at the bottom of the page.  i signed up for something called Holidailies - which means a group of journalists have pledged to update every day for the entire month of December.  Every day!  me?  

     At first it seemed i wouldn't be able to join because my email to them kept bouncing back.  Himself suggested i try sending from a different address and voila!  Instant success.  In the meantime however, as we were heading over to a friend's house for dinner last night, we had a discussion about me trying to stick to daily updating anyway, even if i couldn't join the Holidailies.  (Sounds like a rock group eh?)

     So He agreed it would be a good idea.  i asked if i could have some help with it - a task once in a while, of Him picking a topic for me to write about.  i figured at least that way i'd have some fuel to work from.  For those days when i stare at the screen blankly, then give up and go web surfing instead.  He agreed to that as well.

     Then i pondered; "Does that seem like topping from the bottom?  For me to tell you i need some topics once in awhile.  Asking for a task?  Sometimes it feels like that."

     "Yes, sometimes it is ... " He replies back.  And i ask Him what i'm supposed to do then?  Because if i don't ask for tasks then i might be waiting for a few years at a time, which seems to be the case most of the time now.  Okay, so i'm a tad cheeky.

     He says that's my first task.  Explaining why it is or isn't topping from the bottom - this asking of tasks.

     How the heck am i supposed to know?  We are only recently getting back to the tasks at all - and that's because i started asking for them again.  And i can't say it's been a bad thing, since it definitely seems like we are getting back into the outward manisfestations of our D/s relationship.  How can that be wrong?

     So.  It probably is topping from the bottom to a certain extent.  But it's not done to be willful, or to 'get what i want all the time all about me me me'.  It's done from a real desire to keep our D/s alive and well, not stale and gone.  D/s is the cornerstone of our relationship - isn't it natural to want to see that survive?

     And yet when i ask for a task, or say "i need You to do this for me ..."  it gets perceived as topping.  i don't think that's entirely fair.

     i think there's a huge difference between orchestrating a desire for the benefit of only me, and asking for something that will be a benefit to us both.

     And to be perfectly honest, a certain part of me feels let down when i feel the need to do the asking and not get the spontaniety instead.  Although i admit that's changing. i think it just might take some time to get back into the habit again.  

     There's another aspect to all of this, which i believe is His good nature.  He knows i'm at a new job - in fact the past year has been all about new jobs - and that a lot of the time i'm tired.  Plus He's a self sufficient person, so the 'normal' types of things that might make other submissives feel needed (even things as mundane as laundry and cooking) He already does for Himself.  And for me.

     Hard to argue against all that.  Problem is, He gets tired out as well.. and suddenly we find it's nearly time for bed, and that hoped for spontaniety hasn't had a chance of happening.  (No, i'm not talking about a scene - i'm talking more about things like kneeling or cuffed to a chair at dinner.)

     And that sort of stuff i wouldn't ask for.  To me, that would definitely be topping from the bottom.

     So where's the resolution?  Darned if i know.  i can try writing about it, which i have... i can try sitting quietly and explaining that we're missing something important, which i have.  Then life gets in the way.  

     In the meantime i'm still living in the best relationship i've ever had.  And i intend to keep it that way.  Even if i do have to top from the bottom once in awhile.     :)             

                

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