December 5, 2001

     What was i thinking!  A post everyday?  But i've received some emails lately, and especially since i joined the holidailies, that have been really encouraging.  Of particular note was from someone who doesn't live this lifestyle, but still did not censure me.  i appreciated that so much. Somehow it makes it all seem less lonely, if that makes any sense at all.

     And here's a link that i was sent, that explains arctic char!

     http://www.seafoodhandbook.com/species.html

     Work continues to be hectic.  i never leave at 5:00, partly because there's so much to do, but also because i have a bit of quiet time, uninterrupted, to actually do some of the things i need to concentrate on.  During the day i don't think i've finished a project yet that hasn't been interrupted a gazillion times in the process.

     But i still like the job.  It's never boring - there's no time for that.  And i never know what i'll be doing next.  Sometimes it's compiling an expense report or setting up meetings, to letting the coffee guy into the building or organizing a catered VP meeting.  Or organizing someone else's email box.  Now that's a trip.  Almost feels like reading someone else's diary.

     Did i mention about the fog?  How it covered the city yesterday and i fell in love with it all over again?  i enjoyed it on the way to work. But then i go home too late to share it with Himself.

     i did make an effort to get home earlier today (although it still was 7-ish) because Himself's daughter was over, and we wanted to decorate the Christmas tree.

      The whole idea of the tree has been a bit of an 'issue'.  When i first moved here, the place was so small that having a regular tree was not a great idea.  But i couldn't let the season go by without something so i purchased a grocery store pine plant (those tiny ones) and decorated it with bits of earrings i modified.  Himself didn't help ... just let me go on my merry way - and all along i figured He was indifferent to the whole idea.  Yet when the time came to put things away, He told me to save the makeshift decorations.  Which is exactly when i understood that maybe He wasn't comfortable with the holiday season, but He was charmed by my gesture anyway.

     The second year, His daughter and i bought another grocery store plant/tree... a bit bigger, and it's still alive.  But this year, we have a bigger space and i was really keen on having something to match.  i didn't really anticipate what we ended up with - but standing proudly in a prominent corner of the living room is a 6 foot tall fake tree.  i don't think Himself was very impressed.  

     He did mumble some things about 'christmas always different... "  but nothing conclusive, so i just carried on.  Sometimes i don't know what else to do.  i can't make good decisions with half the information.  i do understand that what He's not telling me, means that most of His christmas' were less than perfect, but i'm no stranger to that myself.

     So He dragged the new fake tree home.  His daughter and myself set it up - that was an adventure since there weren't any instructions.  And she's no bigger than the box it came in.  In fact she got in said box, and gave Himself near heart failure because of the image of His daughter in a box.  "Coffin" went through His brain.  He went back upstairs.  She was more than a bit impressed, saying things like 'i've never had a fake tree before!'  

      The child needs more lessons on us regular folk.  i'm working on her.

      We got the tree up.  We had to rearrange most of the furniture to find a spot for it (this house is still not that big!).  But y'know... i think i like the new arrangement.  And we even heard a few appreciative grunts from Mr. Bah Humbug about it.  *i'm teasing Sir!*

       Unfortunately, after a bit of wine at a later date, (no child around)  and some mutual growling at each other, i did sort of lose myself for a few moments and give Him grief about His attitude toward the holidays.  i understand it's not the best time of year for Him.  i really do.  i had too many Christmas holidays watching my parents fight their brains out, or my father get drunk on Christmas eve and my mother retailliate in nasty ways.  i remember staying up way too late, waiting for her to drink enough to calm down and go to sleep.  i remember the tension.  Obviously Himself remembers tensions as well.

      So i did nip at His heels on this one.  If for no other reason than for His daughter.  Don't let her have the same kind of memories we had.  That's my belief.  i tried to apply that belief with my own children as well.  Setting up special rituals of our own and just being cheerful, even if in my heart i wasn't quite there.  My point is.... how long do you let the past bite you, before you take a bite back and say "fine then, i'll start my own ways..."

      i kind of said all that to Him... in that biting way i have sometimes, unfortunately.  Basically i said, let's get over it, make our own rituals - conventional, unconventional, whatever!

      So tonight, i come home and the little t and i start to put the tree together.  Himself stays downstairs, cooking, but watching.  Gets the lights we want to use on the tree.  Puts music on.  Admires our results and serves us the most delicious salmon.  His heart is with us.  And we can feel it.

      i think we might be on the road to a new way ( willingly shared) of enjoying a family holiday.

      i'll write about the fog another time.          

                

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