December 9, 2001

     The weekends never seem long enough any more.  And tomorrow i have to be at work early to let the caterer in.  Ack.  i never imagined myself actually having this type of responsibility before.  i've never hired a corporate caterer before either!  If the vp's hate the food, i'm doomed.  Well maybe not; maybe they'll just never let me do the ordering again.  

     i admit to liking it though. If this type of thing is to continue i think i'm going to set myself up a binder with the names of good places to hire, and the contact people involved.  This time around the chef was absolutely wonderful - especially when i explained this was my first go around.  He's even sneaking an extra treat in for me - he was appalled that i wasn't going to be having any of his food!  

     Did i mention that my hips are getting bigger?  Heh.  And i wonder why?

      Himself and i had another set to.  Nice way for describing a tense moment.  i think it's the time of year - or maybe it's just that roller coaster we get on once in awhile that seems determined to go up and down a lot.  i do think it has a lot to do with the season however, especially since this time of year seems to make Him more sad than anything else.  i really, really hope He tries my idea of just pushing all the past away and making our own specialness.  It's not like this holiday season is going to go away anytime soon - but it doesn't have to be a routine thing that everyone else does - it can be done strictly by our own set of rules.  What makes us happy.

     For example, my son isn't available much during the holiday because of his work schedule.  But he's able to be here for a few hours christmas eve, and christmas morning ... so we'll be able to wine and dine him a bit, make him feel special.  my daughter is only here the weekend before (22/23) so that's to be her time, and Himself's daughter is available christmas afternoon but not christmas day dinner time ... so we'll have to make her time special in the afternoon, and on boxing day.  It seems kind of nice to me though - each child gets their own special moments.  

     Himself's mother may come as well - although His brother has offered to take her to His place and for us to go there for dinner.  i kind of like that idea as i haven't seen His brother, or the family, in a long while ... and we still aren't set up well for having His mother here.  my biggest worry is that the main floor is cold and she has arthritis.  i know how the cold feels in achy fingers and it's not a lot of fun.  But we'll see how things work out.

     Anyway, our 'set to' was about miscommunication between us - and this morning we sorted it out.  Explained to each other a bit more detail on how we felt.  He's the sort that takes bad news and internalizes it - doesn't talk about it until He can find a place in Himself to do so.  i am more vocal ... panicky - and as i explained this morning i have a strong need to be informed - to know which way the stick is going to swing next.  i'm pretty confident that this stems from my past and it's a set of baggage i've brought along with me to this relationship.  i try to control it, but it's not always easy.

      i grew up knowing the stick was swinging - i was constantly on my toes for when it would hit next.  i learned every nuance, every signal, that my parents gave and got pretty good at judging when it was time to get the heck out of the way.  But this also had a negative impact on my self esteem - somewhere in my young mind i developed the belief that when i was around, bad things happened.  

      Example (there's many):  i was usually around when my parents were fighting.  i'd clean up the mess.  i'd clean me up when the anger was directed at me.  i started to believe what my mother screamed in drunken rages, that it was my fault because she insisted my father favoured me over her.  i didn't tell her where that father touched me last, 'cause i knew she wouldn't - couldn't - believe me.  So i figured she was right.

     When i was in high school i was a junior cheerleader for one year.  i wasn't allowed to go to many after school practices or to many of the after school games though, so my attendance was sporadic at best.  Problem was, every time i got to a game, our team lost.  It's pretty easy for a 15 year old to start to feel like a jinx.  And that feeling has carried on through my adult life.

     If i join a lotto club - the office buys tickets together - i know we aren't going to win.  If Himself tells me about an audition before He goes to it, i know He's not going to get the job.  i avoid reading the sides when they come out of the fax machine.  i'll read the script after He gets the part, but not before.  Most of the places i've ever worked, have gone out of business.  If i anticipate something - see it in it's entirety - how the event will play itself out - i know it won't happen that way.  Actually, there are circumstances when i don't mind that .. like when i was in airplanes and could 'see' the plane crashing - it made me feel a whole lot better knowing that wouldn't happen.  

     i know.  i'm sounding like a crazy person.  But feeling like a jinx is a part of me that i'm trying to get rid of.  And i really am convinced it's from all those years of bad things happening.  Even though my adult self knows it wasn't my fault - my child self still feels it.  my child self still thinks it's all my fault.

     So when i see Himself cocoon - withdraw - and i don't know what's wrong, i start to panic.  i need the information.  Which is what i tried to explain today and i believe He now understands.  i don't want to play psychologist or have Him spilling His guts out if He's not comfortable with that.  Just let me know what's happening so i know not to panic.  Give me details so that  i know things are sad,  but still okay.  Help me overcome the panic and the wariness - and understand that i don't have to go into battle mode and fend of dragons that beat me.  Physically and emotionally.

     i just finished reading a book* that i found very fascinating - probably because the writer grew up like i did -  and he said something that seems  to fit here - to really explain what i'm trying to say:

     "..... child abuse is a dirty, oil-soaked jacket that's almost impossible to take off, so you just seem to wear it right into all your relationships, and every time you brush up against something, or hug somebody, or eye some clean sheets on a freshly made bed, you just know some of that foul stuff is gonna rub off and spoil everything ...."

     i'm working hard to not allow that anymore.

                

   * First Person Plural by Cameron West, Ph.D.

Note:  pics below are clickable for navigation