<sandra> so i do recognize your sense of....ack, have to say something meaningful and insightful

<sandra> easy to say to you that i had dirty shelves...grin

<sandra> now the world knows ;-)~~

<shadoe> sometimes it's like there's pressure - not pressure like oppressive.. but just a need to be interesting

<sandra> is that the difference between writing and conversing?

<sandra> you there?

<shadoe> and then i think, well who am i to expect to be that interesting anyway... who really cares. i mean.. we are all just small drops in the bucket

<sandra> *peering through screen*

<shadoe> *laughing*

<shadoe> you'll like this though

<shadoe> a woman at work is helping a family - having 50/50 draws where the proceeds go to the family....

<sandra> you're too resourceful...copy and paste

<shadoe> can you see me yet?

<sandra> ok

<sandra> Beep! Beep!

<sandra> Beep! Beep!

<sandra> Beep! Beep!

<sandra> Beep! Beep!

<sandra> Beep! Beep!

<sandra> Beep! Beep!

<shadoe> Beep! Beep!

<sandra> did it do that aaaaaaaa oooooooo gaaaaaaaaa

<sandra> there we go

<sandra> put it in IRC mode and now it works

<sandra> just can't have the two screens for some reason

<sandra> have you ever had any responses from people ....introductions through your journal?

<shadoe> actually yes,

<sandra> are people usually pretty supportive?

<shadoe> it's been kind of great that way - not a lot of people read, but that's not why i write anyway - but when they do let me know they are reading, it's always encourageing

<sandra> i check every day

<shadoe> why?

<sandra> it's a treat....to see words from someone special....a catch up with a long distance friend

<sandra> i don't have the emotional honesty to post things, i've always filtered

<shadoe> it's tough sometimes. i'm always afraid to hurt someone. In fact there are times when i leave things out because of that

<sandra> always felt like had to be witty, insightful, etc. - when half the time, am really a complete bore

<shadoe> maybe that feeling is something we all go through.

<sandra> nodding, afraid of exposing things about Himself?

<sandra> who's really a private sort?

<shadoe> well yes.. about Himself, 'cause then it becomes non consensual. He's given me carte blanche with the journal, but it's still His life too.

<sandra> carte blanc is free check... but....you have a honor ... to spend that check freely...and you're good about that

<shadoe> and in spite of the fact that i've outed myself to my son, i'm not sure he'd appreciate showing up in the journal once in awhile

<sandra> do you think he reads your journal?

<shadoe> no. i haven't told him about it.

<shadoe> but it's not that hard to find on a good search engine

<sandra> yes....that would be difficult....can you imagine writing if you knew that your family read it....funny how with families we're honest about certain things, but at the deeper emotional level....

<sandra> there are things families don't need to know

<sandra> plus the added...added sense of being a parent, etc.

<shadoe> very, very true.

<sandra> just thinking about my family....not really emotionally honest with them....have always felt, that i get judged and a bit of that "I told you so" if something doesn't work as planned

<sandra> maybe it's me, maybe not

<shadoe> my sister is going through hell right now. her son is a 'problem' child. i was judged constantly by my mother - she judged us all.

<shadoe> and now the decisions my sister is having to make - well i know what my mother would be saying

<sandra> remember in college when i moved out of the dorms, parents hated the idea, and out of a sense of pride and commitment to whatever action i took, i even spent a winter with no heat or hot water at 19 - going to the blood

<shadoe> and it wouldn't be good

<sandra> blood bank to donate blood for food

<sandra> because i wasn't willing to admit what i did was probably not the best decision

<sandra> musing....

<shadoe> okay. so on a lighter note............

<sandra> amazing how we all have family issues.... and families were supposed to be the safest

<shadoe> families are hard

<sandra> a lighter note....gonna make butter nut balls tonight :)))

<shadoe> they really are - you are born into them, and then expected to get along.

<sandra> i'll look like one by the end of the month

<shadoe> friends are easier - you pick them - you have lots in common.

<shadoe> and hopefully they send you butter nut balls

<sandra> yes, and you can leave friends without "abandonment"

<shadoe> :)

<sandra> but, families, can't really walk away as easily

<sandra> honestly, these are the simplest but bestest cookies in the world

<shadoe> recipe?

<sandra> will send the recipe with the cookies <;-))~~~~

<shadoe> hahhah.. do you think they will let them across the border?

<sandra> just flour, butter, sugar and nuts with vanilla....but, oooooh, so good

<sandra> no kidding, they're rolled in "powder" sugar

<sandra> promise, they're not anthrax cookies

<shadoe> yum

<shadoe> yer bad

<shadoe> we might have to leave that line out

<sandra> have you guys gotten snow yet?

<shadoe> yes .. last night. most of it's gone now.

<sandra> had about 4" earlier....dreading the winter and very much looking forward to moving

<shadoe> okay miss thing. i'm just going to post this much - i think we are getting boring again *lol*

<sandra> smirk

<shadoe> oh wait

<sandra> are you really going to post this?

<shadoe> i forgot to finish the 'helping the family' story - and yes i'm going to post this

<shadoe> anyway

<shadoe> i said i'd help out with some of the shopping.

<shadoe> so i went out on wednesday night and bought some clothes for the 5 year old twins

<sandra> that could be fun....gifts for someone where they mean something

<shadoe> hard to do when you haven't seen the children - but fun as well. i haven't shopped for little girl stuff in eons

<sandra> unlike so many of us who have so much.... hard to buy yet another "thang" for someone who will throw it away in a year

<shadoe> i still needed to get the barbie dolls though. today my son is on his way to a large mall - asks if i need anything - and i mention the dolls.

<sandra> and his response?

<shadoe> several hours later i call his cell, to see if he had any luck

<shadoe> he did - in fact he had the dolls with him as we spoke

<shadoe> i could hear a lot of background music. "where are you', i ask.

<sandra> some bar with barbie dolls on the table and girls rolling their eyes

<shadoe> he say's the name of the bar - and i say 'but that's a .. strip bar.... you are in (name of bar) with barbie dolls?"

<sandra> *choked on my drink*

<shadoe> laughing

<shadoe> i'm just praying he doesn't use them as bait

<sandra> no, having a baby wet-me, feed me would be the real bait

<sandra> he'd look maternal

<shadoe> ack! don't even go there

<shadoe> i'm not ready to be a grandma!

<sandra> at least another decade

<shadoe> at least

     And that was some of our conversation.  Two women who's wants and needs and desires  - and hopes and fears - are surprisingly similar.  Even in casual chat it seems to show up.

     Makes me realize that no matter how unique an individual is - we are all just human - and a lot the same in many ways.

     i'm gone ...