December 24, 2001

      i'm feeling a post holiday let down.  The visit with my daughter is over already and neither my son or Himself's daughter will be here again until tomorrow afternoon.  So there's just the two of us for tonight and it doesn't look like He's in much of a holiday cheer mode.  He's curled up on the futon, under blankets, and reading.  And i've already had a nap to try and fight off a headache that started yesterday during the movie.  Blech.  The movie was very, very good though, although i found it really loud!

     i'm going to push myself and try to bake a cake for the prodigal son - chocolate like he asked for - for his birthday tomorrow.  Twenty one years ago today i was as big as a house (that's what it felt like!) having gained 45 pounds of baby and ice cream.  The only shoes i could get on my feet, which i couldn't see, were my summer sandals.  There was a blizzard happening.  At 3:30 a.m. christmas morning, after only two hours of sleep, we were out in it, steering toward the hospital.  A few hours later and voila!  One baby, one exhausted and twenty three pounds lighter first-time mother.  

     i was very proud of me.

     And now that child is working until 9:30 tonight and going straight home after.  It will be his first christmas eve to spend alone - which i think really bites and i asked him to come over several times, but he figures it will be too late by the time he transits here.  He's probably right.  

     So now i'm struggling with not getting depressed and not feeling well.  Himself sent me off to do the nap thing - i was resisting it but finally went - and has been giving me worried looks ever since.  

     i guess i don't do quiet christmas eve's very well.  i spent so many years having lots of people around - my mother and both my kids and the exhubster and a gazillion people dropping by, some only for an hour, others to stay longer.  Yet, i'm mature enough to understand that life changes - it becomes something different, especially as one's children grow and go their own way.  i guess the holidays have to evolve with that.

     i still feel like i should be getting cleaned up and doing something festive tonight though.  The way i feel however, it'll be into clean pj's and looking for a cuddle from the big guy.

     i'm glad i'm not alone.  

     And now i've just spent some time talking with N (via icq) and mellowing out a bit - and she's helped me to feel a bit better.  Just the woman to woman connection - touching base with someone very familiar to me - someone who's always been there, even when i wasn't for awhile.

     Maybe that's what this holiday should really be about - not the gifts and all the other stuff - but about remembering the connections we have with  good people.  Just taking a moment to sit back and be grateful for our love of family and friends.

     And love for the big guy who's now made His way down to the kitchen and is producing something wonderful, judging from the delicious smells wafting up the stairs.

     i'm gone. 

                

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