January 6, 2002

       Well, now that i've treated myself to a nice long break, it's time to try posting again.  Himself gave me a very disappointed look yesterday when He came home and found nothing here.

       i wasn't going to make new year's resolutions - i never do since breaking them is just too easy - but He decided we were going to.  And He showed me in a rather unconventional way.  The first morning of the new year i suddenly found myself straddled on top of Him in bed, with His hand firmly grasping my throat and other body parts firmly thrust inside me. Then His voice growled in my ear; "There are going to be some changes.  Less booze (we'd partied pretty hard the night before) ... and more fucking.  More 'please Sir' ...."  

       i felt my stomach contract in that delicious half-fear way that it does when He's being like this.  

      Since then i've asked what the changes will be - when do they start?  We haven't come to any conclusions yet, but i know they are coming.  He has started doing some of the smaller things we used to do more often - such as being less tolerant of not hearing 'Sir' from me, and making me call myself His slut when we are in bed together.   

      One thing i've noticed is that He's starting to participate a bit more in the mailing lists we belong to.  i find His answers really helpful sometimes, within the context of understanding our relationship.  For example, the following response from Him was a question that was raised about whether dominants should apologize or not:

       And now on another list they are discussing the rights of 'new bees'.  i put that word that way, 'cause Himself hates the word in current use, which is newbies.  Besides, new bees is kind of fun.

       It does seem that the focus of this lifestyle lately is the attempt at not squicking the new bees.  But where does it end?  As Himself pointed out in the following:

       So if we spend all our time holding the hands of the new bee, when does the new bee learn to fly on his/her own?  If mom came to the kindergarten class every day, when would the child learn to be comfortable in school by him/herself?

      And again, when does one stop being a new bee?  i'd hazard a guess, the very day i chose to enter into this kind of life was the day i stopped being a new bee.  An inexperienced one perhaps, but not new anymore.  

     When does the kid who just moved in next door stop being the 'new kid on the block'?  i'd hazard a guess the first day he plays with the rest of the neighbourhood kids.

     Just like sex.  The day i had sex for the first time was the day i stopped being new at it.  No more touching and feeling only - that day it was THE ACT.  

     So how do you qualify when you aren't a new bee at sex anymore?  After 6 months?  One year?  After several partners or after the first baby?  

     i think your chosen path in life is much the same as your entry into sex. And that's with any path, not just D/s or BDSM.  Once you make the decision to walk your choice, you stop being a new bee.  You are simply inexperienced in what you've chosen.   And this applies to everything - no matter the level of importance.  For example, the day i chose to attend a public play party, i was no longer a new bee to the concept.  Inexperienced, nervous - but not new anymore.  

      i think what Himself is trying to say is that we have to take responsibility for our own self and our own choices.  We can't spend all our time hiding behind the facade of 'new bee'.  At some point we have to simply state; "hey i don't have a lot of experience with this ... " and ask for the help.  And be more proactive about learning how to guide oneself instead of waiting for someone else to do the steering.  As many of the people on the mailing list pointed out, they don't mind helping.  But for some of them, holding the newcomer's hand in a coddling way for what seems like eons, does get a bit tedious.  Their own learning process gets held up along the way.  

       And that's not beneficial to anyone.

                

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