January 29, 2002

        i've discovered i kneel about as well as i update this journal lately.

        In my defense, my life has been SO hectic - and i suppose i have to toss a small truth in here - i was feeling like i had very little to talk about. 

       And i've been feeling a lack of D/s because of the hectic pace, and Himself being sick, so writing in a D/s based journal seemed wrong somehow.  

       It wasn't that our balance had gone away; it was a case of not indulging in a lot of the outward manifestations of who we are.  i still did the rituals.  i still obeyed the no underwear rule, as well as others.  But it was starting to feel one-sided.  Even though i knew He acknowledged and appreciated the maintenance of the rituals, and noticed if i missed something, it wasn't the same as having Him ask or demand something new.  And i didn't know how to tell Him without sounding like a miserable shrew.  After all, He was still doing laundry for me, and cooking and dishes and rides to work.  A gazillion really nice things while fighting the canker sore from hell in His mouth and trying to do theatre.  

      So i just waited things out.  But i knew something had to give.  

      On Sunday i printed out a new play list (check list of limits might be a better name) for each of us, plus a few questions.  And i asked if we could have a meeting to talk about our D/s.  He said He would like to hear some of my thoughts.  Monday He made the time.  

      After i read my email and got changed i went downstairs to find He'd set a large cushion on the kitchen floor.  Beside it was a blanket and a small glass of sherry.  i was told to sit there.  He pulled a chair into the room and we proceeded to talk.  Some of it was catching up on the day stuff, but more of it was about us and what we needed and wanted.  And it suddenly all became really easy because He'd already done exactly what i've been missing.  He put me on the cushion - His choice, my obedience.  

       It's not the heavy scenes (although those are fun!) and it's not the public play parties; it's the emotional "head stuff" that i've been missing.  Being placed on a cushion on the floor because that's His whim is exactly what i crave.  And the spontaneity of the act makes me feel like He's trying in the same way that i do as i perform the daily rituals.  It doesn't feel so one sided then.  The evil twin side of me is instantly banished, along with her thoughts of; ".... and i'm shaving myself bald and will suffer the itchies yet again and for why?"  

      He explained a lot of other things to me as well.  Things like how He doesn't have the kind of energy that He seems to observing from other dominants who are spoken about in various journals.  How dominance takes a lot of mental energy.  And i understand that completely.  

      i tried to explain that i'm not needing spontaneity every day.  i'm not needing a constant display of domly domly-ness.  If that were the case i'd probably end up thinking; "gawd, i just want to put my feet up - can't we skip this tonight?"  But once every six months wouldn't be often enough either.  my idea was something similar to my rituals.  For those days in between, when life takes over, then a few of His own tried and true bend-the-sub's-mind things could be used as fillers.  The day cuff is a good example.  Simply placing that on my wrist as i'm dashing out the door puts my head where He needs it to be.  But not if it's left on for weeks and weeks.  Then i spend my time anticipating something that never happens.  The major point for me is that the time was taken to attach it to my wrist, and with a time limit given, i've suddenly got something to concentrate on and He's shown me yet again how our relationship is balanced. 

       See. i go for too long without writing and then babble.  

       So tonight i found a note on the stairs when i got home.  It said to change, fix myself a drink and then to kneel for five minutes upstairs.  Decompress.  Then write a journal entry.  Perfect.  It's only a few minutes out of His day and He's given me something that puts my mind in a positive place.  Which in turn makes me want to be even better at my rituals, and i know that pleases Him.  i really believe this is a 'habit' we should develop and not let go of.  i believe it will help to keep our D/s strong and healthy.

      And i admit to being better organized when someone tells me what to do.  i get things done then.  Like writing journal entries for example.  Heh.

      Oh!  And i get to investigate where to find the non piercing nipple rings!

      Bonus!

                

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