February 26, 2002

        So i've become hopelessly addicted to The Sims.  After only two evenings.  Pathetic.  Himself shakes His head in despair!

       But it's so funny!  So far i have only managed a very beginner level of the game, but these little people are too much!  For example, after a bit of trial and error, my newly created 'dude' (a black biker - Himself just snorted - hey! it's my taste and my game!) suddenly found himself without a job.  And he was none to happy about it! Michael Natcho is his name because my son was watching the first night and eating natchos.  It worked.  But said Michael Natcho was too depressed from my losing his job, to obey any commands i was giving him to go read the paper and get another one!  Shaking his head no and waving his arms around.  Sheesh.  And last night, just because i was missing the point that he wanted to sit down, he started yelling at me.  

       How can you not like this?  Okay, so i know i'll tire of it eventually, but for now it's fun.

       So i went to my free makeup lesson. As per what they expect when you go to these things, i did buy some of their product.  More than i should have probably, but it was an enjoyable half hour and i liked the stuff.  On the upside it will last a long time as well.  

      However, i think they were more interested in my hair.  

      i sat down in the chair.  The woman pondered my face.  Briefly.  Then she said; "your hair ..."

     Sigh.  "i know," i responded.  Then we have 'the talk'.  How it should be styled and how much more attractive i would be and yadda yadda.  i suggested my usual theory to her.  If it's short, it's just thin unmanageable hair, instead of long unmanageable hair.  At least long i can pin it up into a twist, which personally i kind of like.

     But on a gazillion different levels i know she is right.  It's time.  But i'm not sure it's the right time for me.  If it turned out well, i know my self esteem would rise hugely.  If it doesn't turn out well, i'm just going to feel old and unattractive.  Ick.

     i spent most of my life wearing my hair the way my mother wanted it.  Short.  Really short.  Right up until i was 30.  So i haven't really had it this length for much time.  And even now it's only about a medium length.  But i have to concede that short hair does suit my face, regardless of how i feel about it.

      On the way to work yesterday, i tossed all my doubts at Himself.  By the time i was finished with Him, we had a new rule in place:  "No heavy stuff before 9:00 a.m. in the morning."   Poor guy.

      But i was trying to explain how i feel.  People at work are either really polite or really sincere when they find out i'm older than they thought.  And i'm positive part of that is because i'm still wearing my hair at 'their' length.  

       More important i suppose, is the fact that i'm fighting my age and not ready to 'be there'.  i don't know if i'm ready to be a nice looking 45 year old.  Is it better to look like a hard-life 38 though?  Ah, such shallow thoughts.

      So i've got all these emotional things happening and over what?  A bit of hair?  And in my case, really 'a bit'.  my only solution thus far is to start wearing it pinned up more often, to try to get a sense of it being gone.

      But why does it feel like i'd be giving up a large part of my self identity?  Why is something so frivolous as hair a part of my identity in the first place?  Is it because of all those years i begged my parents for the right to have long hair, only to be denied?  And because i was virtually the only one of my peers to be short haired, i've never gotten past the idea of not belonging?  Who knows.  i remember all the shed tears however.

      It could be nothing more than my perpetual fear of being a fragile and blue-haired old lady.  And then i get mad.  Where's that sense of adventure in me that would have fun running around with blue hair?

      i need to learn to get over it methinks.

                

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