April 6,  2002

       Okay, so i'm humbled.  Oils and pastels are a lot harder than i thought they would be.  Picasso firmly keeps his front row seat in the art gallery.  However, i have now produced two oil paintings - the world's smallest - and as i originally suspected would happen, they are really ...

      ... bad.

      *sigh*  Ah well, i'm having fun.  The first one was a 3" x 5" canvas of blue sky, ridiculously white clouds and few shaped hints at terrain.  i was very proud of me when i was finished though.  Mostly because i'd actually done it.  Today's fiasco - err- masterpiece is your classic vase and flowers.  Well at least i think they are flowers.  And the vase is a tad tilted.  The hardest part was trying to print/paint my name at the bottom.  First because i haven't figured out how to write with a brush, but second because i struggled against the urge to just put the initial "j" and hope no one recognizes it as me.  Heh.

     i intend to keep at this painting stuff though.  Even if i prove to be incredibly bad at this skill (should i use that word?), i find it really relaxing.  Who knows, maybe i'll even get better at it.  

       Himself and i had an interesting conversation on the way home from work last night.  He'd generously offered to pick me up as He was already on my side of the city, directing a play.  Anyway, i asked Him if we were going to attend a private play party we've been invited to and He replied that He would like to.  i then found it necessary to explain that if we played at said party i'd be ticked at Him.

      i shouldn't say this stuff when He's trying to drive eh?

      He asked for explanations so i gave them.  The fact that we've only had TWO real scenes in the last 5 months is the big problem.  This of course is not counting the yummy fun sex stuff with knives in bed, boardering on edge play when He takes His glasses off, stuff.  Oh no.  What i'm referring to is the knock down drag 'em out, tie me to the rafters and beat my butt, stuff - with or without the sex thrown in.  For a variety of reasons, that type of scening has been sorely (pun intended) lacking.

      And no i'm not being accusatory.  Well maybe just a bit, when we've bypassed perfectly good Saturday nights, where He's had an afternoon nap and we are both healthy.    Those nights i sit and wait - and wait.  We have a lovely evening of visiting and sharing of course, so it's not like we are having a terrible time.  Those nights are more than a bit lovely in fact.  It's just that my butt stays even whiter than when i got up that morning!

      i'm also not talking about D/s stuff 'cause i think we've got that part all figured out just nicely thank you very much.  We have mutual respect for each other, we have our rituals - we each know our place within a relationship that seems pretty healthy and the power exchange works to enhance that.  It's just the white butt ...

     So anyway, back to the conversation in the car.  His response to my comment was that okay, we didn't have to play at the party.  To which i replied that that wasn't the point!  It wasn't that i didn't want to play - it's the fact that if we did play then i'd end up feeling like He only wants to play to an audience.  In public.  i'm afraid i'll feel like He doesn't want to play with me at home anymore - that He's bored with playing with me and needs the stimulation of flogging in public, before my butt is even remotely interesting.

     Which of course i know isn't true - especially since He still seems to enjoy this butt just fine in bed.

      But when we go for long amounts of time without playing, the fear still trickles through my mind.  And also the fear that He's simply bored with the toys and with scening.

      He listened to what i was saying with a half smile on His face.  He was in a particularly great mood, and also could tell from my tone that i wasn't pointing fingers or trying to make Him feel bad.  Not at all.  And that's when He figured out the solution.  Flog before the party - flog during the party - flog after the party.  Eliminate the problem.  

      We both started laughing then, probably because if the pace of our lives continues as it has lately, just getting a flogger out of the toy bag before any given midnight is going to be a challenge unto itself.  And we both know this to be true.

      i think it'd be a good idea if we tried though.  Right now i'd probably scream in pain if somebody hit me with a wet spagetti noodle.  i need toughening up Sir!

                

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