May 14,  2002

    Is life ever going to slow down?  Tonight i reluctantly forced myself to leave work at 6:45 ... i could easily have stayed until midnight and not been caught up on the things i need to do.  It's frustrating - mostly because i like to keep things in better order and complete all tasks each day - yet this job is proving to be impossible to do that with.  Grrrrr.

     And i'm finding that it's becoming increasingly difficult to get here to the journal.  There have been quiet moments of course, but those moments i've wanted to spend vegetating and even though i like writing, i can't rush it - i need a fairly large block of time to organize my thoughts and then put them into words i can live with.  i'm finding that learning to paint is similar .. i need at least a few hours to get right into it.  

     i still struggle with the insecurity of making a fool of myself when i try to be creative.  i wish i could get past that.  Mostly because when i'm in the middle of a creative mood i get so lost into some other world, and get so calm, that i just want to stay there forever.  i am getting better about the insecurity thing though - i think i'm getting to the point of being okay with the results, no matter how imperfect, because of where the activity itself places me in my head.  Doing something for a few hours that calms me and makes me feel like i'm accomplishing something can't be all bad, no matter what the end result is.

      Which brings me back to the fact that Himself reprimanded me the other day.  He says in the past 6 months or so i've slipped back into the negative mind set again.  And that this is not acceptable.  So as an assignment while He's been gone these past couple days, He's had me looking for pictures of African Fertility deities.  Not an easy thing to find, i've discovered.  Sheesh.

      He says if i continue with the negative thing, every time i do so He's going to hang one of these fertility thingies from one of my body parts.  Ewww.

      i know i've been slipping though.  i know it partly stems from the work environment, where the majority of the women are in their late to very early 30's and thin and vibrant.  Exactly how i was at the same age.  Little did i know then just how comfy my body would get.  And the men at work are watching every move these women make - just like they did to me way back when.  Now they come to me to fix things.  That's it.  And that's harsh, when your mind says hey!  i still have sexy thoughts too! i'm still a woman who's interesting! 

     Heh.  i guess that's the point though.  i'm still interesting.  i was accused again recently, of focusing on aging too much.. and y'know.. i know that's exactly right.  i slipped into the abyss and i don't need to be there.  And lord knows, i don't want to be wearing African fertility thingies all over my body.  Time to pull up my socks!

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