July 28,  2002

        Still doing a lot of introspection these days.  Hence the non-writing.  i guess it happens every year, right around my birthday, when i have to digest the fact that 20 is getting farther and farther away.  

       So how come things still seem fresh and new in my head?  Is that the curse of aging?  Having the body crumble and the mind still want to party?  Well at least my body - Himself's is doing just fine thank you very much. And now he's added good old fashioned exercise to his day.  He stands outside on the front porch each morning and does weird Asian type stretching exercises.  i always wonder what the neighbours think, since to me at least, it looks very much like he's doing some kind of warding off the evil spirits thing.  Then he comes inside and does a gazillion stomach crunches.  Heh.  The only time my stomach crunches is when it's forced into a waist cincher.  Considering the fact that i find nothing wrong with opting to paint or read instead of exercising, i doubt that fact will change anytime soon either.

     Ah well - at least he's delicious to look at :)

     i gave away my first painting.  And that's quite literal - the first part, since this particular piece was only my second attempt at painting.  And not really a successful attempt either.  At least not in my opinion, but Himself and N disagreed i guess.  

     N came to visit this weekend - a huge treat for both of us since we hadn't seen each other face to face since last year.  The walls are still reverberating from much chatter and laughter as we dredged up old memories and relived the fun we had when living in the same city.  It was nice creating new memories as well - sitting on the front porch relaxing, walking through a few of the artsy stores nearby and sharing great food prepared by none other than Himself.  And holding N close after she experienced her first ever scene.  

     Anyway, during her visit, she'd spied my little painting and instantly wanted it.  i argued the point, insisting that it was an awful painting.  i thought perhaps i could do something later on, as i hopefully improve, that she would like better.  But she was convinced.  

     i had another reluctance however, besides the fact that i didn't feel the piece was any good.  i had to deal with the idea of actually parting with something i have done.  It was surprising to discover just how hard that was!  Not only did it involve giving away something of "me" - a concrete piece of my self expression - but it involved having the confidence to give "me" away.. well .. confidently.  Does that make sense?  i guess what i mean is that i had to get over the idea that a bunch of people (namely accomplished artists) now have a chance to look at it and say things like "ick ... what drivel!"  and for even the non artsy people to just plain not like it.  It felt like i was putting a part of myself on public view - a part that i'm a LOT not confident about.  

     i said to Himself; "... but it's not even a good painting..."  To which He replied something to the effect of ".. it's all subjective - to the viewer it's exactly what they like.."  (i'm never good at remembering exact phrasing, but that's the gist of the thoughts.)

     Hmm.  Sort of a "one man's garbage, another man's treasure" idea.  And if i could twist my head around that idea, then i only had to get past the idea that i was parting with one of my babies.  But this was N, and she's always supported me in all my adventures.  Even when she didn't agree with some of them, she still hung in there for me.  Even when i went reclusive for awhile.  And especially when i moved in with Himself - i'm sure there was a ton of worrying, but she didn't try to stop me. 

      Bottom line ended up being that my desire to please her overcame my insecurities and i knew that giving something of 'me' to one of my most special friends was the right thing to do. It kind of felt like i was giving away a hug.  And i can't begin to describe how flattered i was, especially after i got her hug and saw the big smile on her face.

         the infamous "first"

      So it was a weekend of firsts.  The first departure of my work, and N's first try at scening.  Which i might add, she took to like a duck to water.  :)  And it didn't take Himself long to pull out the full arsenal of toys.  Hopefully i can now convince her to put a few of her thoughts in here!

 

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