August 10,  2002

       Happy birthday to me!

       i think i'm even getting used to the idea - and passing yet another milestone didn't hurt as much as i thought it would.  i think the most bizarre thing about this year's event was the fact that i've spent most of my nights dreaming about my mother.  i believe that's because i look so much like her - although family members who remember my grandmother say i'm more like she was. my mother's eyes were not as round as mine either - her's were more almond shaped.  

      Maybe last night's dream will be the last though since it felt a bit like closure.  i dreamed that i went back to my ex's house and discovered most of my old aunties having dinner with him and his family.  As i walked past them (heading for another room that had my 'new' family, my children included along with Himself, et al) i had placed my hand on the aunties' shoulders, then kept going by.  As i touched them however, they turned to each other and spoke about how much i looked like 'her'.  

      Now under most circumstances, my stomach usually knots up when the resemblance is referred to, but it didn't seem to matter in this dream.  Instead it seemed as though my resemblance gave them comfort and that was okay - perhaps because my subconscious waking mind acknowledges that i didn't (and couldn't) know my mother in the same way that my aunties would have.  Perhaps it's also the fact that they were (are) so old that their own mortality stares them in the face, and my adult self knows that the elderly could find comfort in 'the family' living on in my face.  So all that would get mixed into my dream.

      What i was angry about in my dream was my ex keeping my family over on his side of the room.  i found that really distressing.  And no doubt a lot of it stems from the fact that i don't enjoy a tightly knit family.  It's much better than it used to be.  Since my mother died, the siblings and i have managed to keep track of each other much better.  i regret all those years that we stupidly allowed one woman to interfere and convince us that not one of us liked the other and that we were all jealous of each other. 

      Introspective thought - could it be that she was jealous of all of us? 

      On a lighter note - i've been thoroughly spoiled this year.  The people at work took me out for lunch and i was given many presents.  jen (the sweetheart!) and another favourite work buddy went together on a silver and amber bracelet and earring set that i'd drooled over only days before, and the princess gave me a delicate silver chain holding the extra link from the bracelet.  We had an interesting moment when she said "you'll have to remove the gold "necklaces" and i tried to find the words to explain why i couldn't!  In the end i emphasized how nice the necklace will look set against a black turtleneck.  And one other favourite work buddy gave me a bottle of Wolf Blass with clear instructions that i had to drink all myself.

       Then last night my son took me out to see "A Chorus Line" - which we both enjoyed greatly and he also had a chance to watch one of his buddies perform.  i think it really opened his eyes to 'acting' because he'd never have imagined his buddy as doing any of the things he was doing onstage.  my daughter has been sending icq "i love you's" (which is very cool - even if she's not online i'm getting little surprise messages) and is trying to co-ordinate a visit around her new job

       And now it's this morning and Himself had gifts buried under the bed for me!  A huge art instruction book - The Essential Painting Guide by Paul Taggart - which i've already managed to learn a few things from.  Like the fact that oil and water can indeed be mixed if done right!  Who knew?  Himself also gave me a beautiful pair of dangly gold and pearl earrings that just begged for me to wear my hair up with.

       Tonight we are having dinner with a friend and Himself's brother is coming to visit as well.  And His brother wants to play "target practice"!  So after some good visiting and good food, lord only knows what will be happening :-)

       Heh.  Who said 45 was old!

 

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