November 9,  2002

        i've been ordered back to the keyboard.

      i said "what if i don't have any words?  what if i just want to drawwwwwwww"  (that was a whine)

      He said "do both."  Sigh.

      So here i am again.  Wondering what to say.  Wishing my emotions were a tad more settled - cause i know if i let loose it's going to become a major rant.

      In short, the past few weeks have been kind of hellish.  Combined with a definite lack of D/s in our lives right now, it's the kind of stuff one would rather just forget about.  Even my eternal optimism is a tad shaky.

      They fired the exec assistant at work.  Which in a lot of ways improved my work life hugely, but also meant that the two men she supported were now without help.  So.  Now i'm suddenly helping out 6 people!  While still doing all the facilities for about 170 people.  Call me crazy - but this seems a bit over the edge.  To their credit, all 6 of them really pulled their own weight as much as possible in a hectic corporate environment that involves gazillions of meetings.  But keeping all the different needs straight for the past 3 weeks was a frightful endeavor.  

      A new exec assistant has been hired,  and will start on Monday, which is going to ease things for me.  Well should have anyway, except the new senior vice president decided to hire another vp at the beginning of last week!  This means 7 people.  And he hasn't hired his own assistant yet!  And!  Major blow to my ego - no one is considering moving me up to the exec position.  They don't want to disrupt what i'm already doing.  They aren't questioning my ability (performance appraisals are really great), they just like things the way they are.  They know they can turn to me at any time for help.  

      In truth i'd probably be bored to tears working for only one man.  But that tiny kernal of competitiveness in me is still miffed at not being given the opportunity of having "exec" combined with my name.  my pocket book is a bit miffed too.

      During all this chaos i started having a pain in my right calf.  After several days of no improvement i toddled off to the doc, to discover that i've got a "chronic clot" in the deep vein behind my knee.  Scary stuff.  Apparently it's been there for awhile.  Now the docs are deciding what to do about it.  Meanwhile i've been instructed to take a 325 mg coated aspirin a day, and the dosage of HRT that i take has been reduced to the lowest level available.  i spend each day wondering if i'm going to drop dead at any moment.  i wonder if the aspirin is really going to work, since considering we drink wine with dinner every day, i doubt my blood is that thick to begin with.  And if the aspirin does work, or whatever other drug they will probably decide upon during my specialist appointment on Monday, will it merely loosen the clot enough to travel around?

      Himself and i discussed wills last night.  Morbid i know, but probably necessary.  In spite of the above concerns, we really aren't getting any younger.  Ick.

      Another reason all this is in the forefront of my mind is the fact that a dear friend of ours has died.  It was only months ago that we were at her wedding and she was only 38 years old.  Too young.  They suspect her heart was the problem but won't ever really know. They also suspected she had a blood clot in her leg from recent surgery.  Such sad news :-(

      During all the above happening my daughter told me she was going to be having more extensive tests done as they found pre-cancer cells during her last pap test. 

      So my head hasn't been really filled with happy thoughts to share here.  i feel like i'm on a roller coaster that doesn't want to stop.  i'm frustrated because of a lack of time, pressures at work and worries about my daughter and whether or not i'll even be around long.  Himself is pressured from all sorts of angles and just as tired and worried.  We try to remain upbeat, but sometimes even that's just too exhausting to do.  Blech.

      Okay, so i'm gone.  i still have some private words to send to Himself.

      And i'm going to try filling a glass half full, instead of half empty.  :-)

“Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it.”
--Salvador Dali
   

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