November 11,  2002

      i'm reading a book right now titled "Blowing Zen" and written by Ray Brooks.  It's a story of his journey down the learning path to playing the shakuhachi.  i'm really enjoying the read, and found one paragraph that contained some words i thought were quite wonderful.  A phrase of advice that Ray received when first studying and practicing the instrument:

     "As you study, don't be concerned about 'Am I getting better?'  Just practice for its own sake, and let progress take care of itself.  Don't corrupt the beauty of learning by becoming attached to an end goal."

      And that's the point i think i've always missed over the years.  i've always looked at what i had to do to get to the goal and, if i couldn't achieve perfect results immediately, gave up (or was told i would never get there.)  i was also never taught how to set goals or how to work toward attaining them.  So i've often been frustrated by the lack of self-discipline and direction. And overwhelmed by the amount of work needed in the first place.

     Yet that small paragraph above validates things in my head.  It's giving me the words i need to hear to know that while goals are admirable it's the process of getting there that is more important - and it's important not to skip the beauty.  If i look at the struggle of learning as beautiful - if i allow myself the grace of making mistakes and not take myself so seriously - then i'll make progress.  It all makes sense suddenly.

      i think it will take a bit to teach myself that mindset however.  i've done some proactive things to help in my quest to be an artist (i use that term with definite tongue-in-cheek right now.)  i promised myself i would try to do something every day.  Even if it's only a 1" sketch done in the tiny pad of paper i now have in my purse.  And i've been adhering to that promise.  But i still get discouraged easily.  i spent about a half hour after work today, and was less than pleased with the results.  When what comes out on the paper does not look anything at all like the picture i'm actually seeing, then i get frustrated.  Ah well, i'll get there - and may or may not get good at it.  If i can teach myself to be okay with that, then i'll still come out ahead.

     Himself and i have had some discussions about getting back on track with our D/s.  Which really means getting back to our regularly scheduled relationship since our life together is very much about our personalities and how they blend together. And those personalities are decidely D/s.  

     So there have been a few baby steps back in.  He had me wear the daycuffs during dinner on Saturday, and i was left with a task (besides writing here!), plus i was required to kneel when asking for something from Him on Sunday.  In turn, i've been making extra effort to get back to obeying the rituals.  i'd been slacking off because it felt so one-sided.  i admit to being a bit disappointed that i didn't get any orders today though :-(

      On the flip side, Himself spent a good part of the day driving me about.  First we went to a friend's house, with the result being we have inherited yet another piece of furniture, this time in the form of a rather large roll-top desk.  We also recently got their dining room table (6' x 33") and a small sideboard/washstand.  The only trouble with all of this is that i have no place to put the furniture that was already in the room.  And our house is really small.  It's starting to look like a furniture store.  Yikes.  But i love the challenge of sorting it all out.

     Once done there, He drove me to work, went off to a meeting, then came back at lunch time to drive me to the doctor.  Turns out the doc can't  do anything for my leg or the discomfort at this point, other than the mandatory one coated aspirin per day and a follow up test in 4 months.  Keeping my legs elevated was recommended, plus support hose if my ankles start to swell.  It's hoped that the aspirin will thin my blood enough to help dissolve the clot, which he is sure is an old one and not as serious.  He gave me lots of other info, and explained that keeping my legs in the best shape possible would hopefully help in the prevention of further clots.  When i asked what he recommended for that he said walking.  

      So it looks like a treadmill is in my future.  Hopefully i can find a second hand one - they are way too expensive purchased new.  

      Next problem (as i mentally go over all the new furniture in this place) is where do i put it??? 

PS:  thank you's to the people who recently sent me emails - i always feel more encouraged and less.. alone.. when i get them :-)         

      “Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it.”
--Salvador Dali      

      Hint:  email

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