January 3,  2003

     We woke up to a lot of snow this morning!  i can't believe how quickly it came, and how white everything is now.  A wonderful excuse for staying indoors i'm thinking :-)  

      And now i remember why i liked not working.  Updating this journal - having the time to actually sit quietly and just let thoughts drift through my head - was part of the indulgence i previously enjoyed.  And i eat less; weird as that sounds, i find myself less hungry.  Perhaps it is because i am able to float into creative headspace.  At work it's a constant go, go, go pace that i have trouble keeping up with sometimes.  Everyone needs "something" from me.  my work is not solitary - i am not able to bury myself in a project and shut out the reality around me.  i know the names and needs of more than 150 people.  That's a lot of people!

      In a perfect world i wouldn't go into work until at least 1, and stay until about 7 or 8.  Those hours seem to be the best for me as i prefer a slow start to my day.  The morning hours are when i can write best, and do my art.  Especially if i get out of bed and straight to them.   The afternoon hours tend to bring me back into the "real" world, and the evening hours i prefer to spend having dinner with Master.

      And there's something else that i've noticed.   Since being back to work i seem to have dropped the term "Master" somewhere along the way.  i still consider Him my Master of course, but "Himself" has taken the word away.  i'm not sure how i feel about that however, i don't think it's an entirely bad thing as Himself is expressed as an affectionate term from me.  It comes from all the good places inside.  And our friends will often call Him the same, with all of the best attentions and affection for Him as well.  It probably helps that the word suits Him :-)

      i'm worried about Him though - His congestion from the cold/fever of weeks ago is still not going away.  The result is increased snoring, and a lot of sleep apnea.  Last night i placed my hand on His chest just to make sure He was in fact still breathing.  He goes for long, long moments of nothing, and then there's a mini explosion as He starts to breath/gasp again.  It's pretty unsettling.  It also has the effect of scaring me out of my skin, especially when i am just on the verge of sleep-land and suddenly there's a loud foreign noise close to my ear.  It's the same feeling that is reminiscent of me being asleep and my drunken mother suddenly crashing into the room.  Not His fault of course - He can't be responsible for the lasting effects of my childhood experiences.

      Unfortunately, in order for either of us to get any sleep (i am guilty of trying to nudge Him to His left side a lot, which wakes Him up) i have been leaving the bed at about 4 or 5 in the morning. Off to the futon i go, and it is really not that comfortable.  It also means no snuggling.  i'm not liking any of this at all.  :-(   i think a trip to the Chinese doctor is needed - the medicinal teas they put together are pretty wretched, but hey - it works!

       So i put in a guest book.  (insert blatant hint)  i was asked for it awhile ago - and i'm still not convinced it's needed, other than maybe it will help keep me motivated to write and update.  A good dose of healthy guilt never hurt anyone.  Heh.  Maybe that's my official new year's resolution - more attention to my thoughts.  At least it would be harder to break than the going-on-a-diet one!

     “Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it.”
--Salvador Dali      

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