January 19,  2003

     Good thing i wrote as much as i did during my holidays.  i sure haven't been consistent since!

     On the upside, lots of nice things have been happening.  

      The "be an artist" quest continues, and while i have a long road to travel yet, i really think i'm making progress. i'm glad i put up the "wannabe" site - i can browse through it and see where i've been and where i'm going.  It's encouraging.  I've got my latest struggle posted.

      Last night my artist friend came over and i showed her my progress thus far.  It was an interesting moment as that whole incident of my mother showing my work to an artist came flooding back.  The feelings that i had then, i mean.  It was a bit of a stretch to tamp them down.  Especially when my friend suggested i could start over with the latest sketch and explained that sometimes knowing when to stop is a good thing.  All the old feelings of insecurity came rising to the surface.  Drat.  But i think the way she handled the whole conversation helped me to not allow those feelings to overwhelm.  So while i went to bed feeling slightly doubtful and depressed, i wasn't discouraged.  It probably helped that she didn't say i "couldn't" do it - she merely acknowledged that i need direction.  Which i already know.  

      i'll get there.  i'm determined :-)  And i think i can learn a lot from her - she showed us pics of some of her recent projects - tres excellent!  i wish i could take daily lessons!

      Himself has purchased a new present for me - which hopefully make it over the border successfully.  Lisa was talking in her journal about this set, and when the opportunity arose i couldn't help myself asking VERY nicely for them.  It's a complete set of collar, wrist and ankle cuffs that padlock on and can have chains running from all 5 points.  Which will put my head exactly where it loves to be for sure!  The pics are small, but i didn't want to put a naked Lisa in my journal without her permission *g*

      This year i have promised myself that i would try not to be so focused on getting older.  Even if i do feel like i need to get at it with some of my dreams 'cause i don't have years and years and years ahead of me.  And that my productive work years are starting to get a tad thin.  i won't think about it.  

      Right.

      Well anyway - i did allow myself one small moment of remorse over lost youth kind of thing, on Friday.  It was my daughter's 20th birthday.  One year from now, she'll be the same age i was when i got married.  She's only a few years away from being the same age i was when i started having babies!  i now officially don't have teenage children anymore!  Ack.  

      i can't help but admit i feel like i've now reached a milestone the same way she has upon entering her 20's.  i just hope she doesn't squander some of her time the same way i did all those years ago however.  But she's pretty goal oriented right now.  i can't help but feel proud of her as she pushes forward in her life :-)  As i think about it, i guess i was doing the same thing at her age, just a different direction.  The major difference is i was doing what everyone else wanted for me - i assumed that they were right and i was only destined for the marital/maternal road.  And they weren't completely wrong i suppose - i can't imagine my life without my kids.  i include Himself's daughter in that statement - she's like the gift of the third child i always wanted to have :-)

      Children help you understand what is meant by the phrase  "...you can love them so much that your heart hurts with the loving..."  

      How lucky i am.

      Another friend took me to her ex-husband's place (aren't modern times great when ex's just become extended family?) for dinner last week.  A good time was had by all i think - especially me.  They are really great people - easy to talk to and socialize with, not to mention good cooks *g* - and their house is to die for!  Eight full levels, complete with several fireplaces, bathrooms, patio doors and a garden.  What an elegant place to live!

      One of the best parts for me was being able to view all the artwork on the walls.  i nearly drooled... okay, so i don't drool - but it would have been an appropriate moment to do so.  i got to see several pieces of artwork by Anthony Batten - which i consider a huge privilege considering even the Queen of England has some of his work in her house.  Errr.. castle.  ????

      Ah well, time to toddle off and clean up some of my own castle - course that depends on whether i can stay away from my pencils or not.  Heh

     “Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it.”
--Salvador Dali      

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