February 16,  2003

          So two days in a row.  Don't die of shock.  It's occurred to me that maybe i should start a notify list - since my updates are so sporadic these days, it might in fact be a kind thing to do.  

       i think i'm firmly in a February slump.  Seasonal affected disorder or something.  i'm sure all the stuff happening at work has a lot to do with it - and the fact that Himself is stressed to the max which means little to no D/s type rituals going on.  i'm still serving and doing all the little things but there's not been kneeling and notes of instructions - day to day stuff.  Grrrr - life needs to slow down!

      i read an interesting post yesterday, that suggested that a submissive is responsible for her Master's dominance.  And while i understand this point of view, and in fact pretty much agree with the concept, i still had a few questions surface my depressed brain.  Like what if the submissive *is* taking responsibility but not getting reciprocal responsibility turned to her?

      The concept is that in a long term relationship we are responsible for each other's emotional well being.  i'm probably not explaining this very well - but i'm trying.  Basically i understood from the writer (and a subsequent response from another person) that while Dominants are responsible for their submissive's submission - sheesh, too many s words! -  ie taking care of their emotional and physical needs, the reverse is true as well.  Cool.  Got that.  They are basically saying that no matter how tough your dominant, if you start calling him butthead on a regular basis, you are going to wear down his own security levels.  Undermine his ego in a negative way.  Sort of like the mother who says her child isn't smart enough for anything more than marriage and babies.  i know this feeling very well.

      And so the submissive should be loyal to the rituals established with her dominant.  Or whatever other aspects come into play within her relationship. Understood.  And this concept should work both ways.  But what if it's not?  If the submissive is doing all the correct things to the best of her ability (barring the emotional roller coaster days that all relationship go through on occasion - hey none of us are perfect!) and not getting reciprocation, is she still responsible for her partner's dominance?

      Of course then my thoughts moved a few steps further.  What if she's (hopefully) doing all the right things - and so taking her responsibility to heart, lays out the toys on the bed, hoping said Dominant takes the hint?  In my version of reality, i'd be accused of topping from the bottom.  In my version of reality, if i asked to wear the largest leather cuffs to the dinner table, i would be told that as long as i keep asking, then the answer is no.

      So what if months and months go by where a submissive is doing all the right things, and tactfully NOT calling her Master "butthead", yet receives nothing in return?  Is she still responsible then?   

      i am not sure i have the answers.  D/s is such a fragile balance - too much dominance can make a submissive either crack, or run for the hills.  Not enough can do the same thing actually.  Or sink us into a deep depression.  And i think the reverse is true as well.  Most dominants i know don't want an uber sub, nor a clinging one.  

     i think what it all boils down to is having one's emotional needs met.  My submissive personality likes to be encouraged on a regular basis - needs to be in fact.  Self esteem will always be an issue with me, no matter how greatly improved it is.  And i respond best to dominant men - a few women but not many, which i think is another throw back from my childhood.  my submissive personality needs the rituals - needs the familiarity of receiving frequent direction.  Which is probably why i enjoy being an admin assistant.  There's a good balance of making smart decisions for strong minded men who want things their own way and trust me to get it done for them.  i feel needed and smart, and someone else is doing the driving.  

     Having said all that, i think i've just explained to myself why i get "hinky" (one of Himself's words) when we go for long periods of non D/s mode.  

     Heh - a lot of introspection at 9:00 a.m. on a Sunday morning. Sheesh! 

"Not everything that can be counted, counts. 

And not everything that counts can be counted."
--Albert Einstein

     “Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it.”
--Salvador Dali      

      Hint:  email

Note:  pics below are clickable for navigation