For Sarah; we miss you:

"When the heart grieves over what it has lost, the spirit rejoices over what is left" -Sufi epigram

(quote donated by kesha)

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     It's been an emotionally tiring few days.  

     Sunday morning my sister stopped in for brunch.  We haven't seen each other for awhile, so it was nice to be able to give her a real hug for a change.  She's been having some less than nice life events happen to her lately and i worry about her.  We are living closer to each other now (about 2.5 hours away) so the opportunities to visit should be easier in the future.  Her partner also has family in the city, so there's a few reasons for them to travel in.  She kept teasing me about going to visit her on the farm, but my reaction to hanging out in the barn watching her milk cows was about the same as her reaction to the city traffic and congestion here.  Blech.

     It's funny how opposite we are.  i'm the proverbial girly girl and she's the proverbial tomboy.  We don't even look that much like each other - but given that we don't share the same father, it's not all that surprising i suppose.  i definitely took to our mother's side, and she to .. well her father's side.  i was about to say my father, but he wasn't .. although i still think of him as "dad".  

      Later that day my daughter called.   And she wasn't a happy camper.  Her close friend's mother committed suicide over the weekend.  i was totally shocked - i behaved normally, since we had my son and girlfriend over for dinner and didn't want to upset them, but the reality of what this woman had done just screamed through my mind.  i knew her!  i used to see her often; she lived only a few doors away from me.  Her daughter and mine practically lived in each other's pockets for a number of years.  Even when life caught up with them and they drifted into other things, away from the daily-ness of each other, they still remained close.  And this weekend the woman put a gun to her own head.  Done.

     my daughter was being very brave on the phone - but i could sense an underlying current of anger.  i think she was outraged that her friend was hurting so much because of this.  She asked me; "... isn't this something that is selfish?"  i answered carefully.  i don't really know how selfish an act suicide is - many of those left behind would insist that it is, but how do they know?  Because they are alive and having to deal with the aftermath?  i suspect that attitude could be construed as selfish as well.  But, they could also be right.  Who knows?

    So i told my daughter that we can't ever understand why this woman had the need to kill herself.  We can't know what was happening in her private life, nor what state she was in emotionally.  i told her the best thing she could do right now was to be supportive of her friend, not voice bad opinions of her mother, and give lots of hugs.  My heart goes out to them.

     And then today i got spit at.  Hence the emotionally tiring few days.

     When i got off the streetcar and started the trek down our street to the house, an Asian woman got off the car as well.  i have seen her a few times before - she has to walk past our house to get to her own home.  Anyway, she was following behind me and i thought nothing of it - i was aware she was behind, but having people on the street after work is not an unusual occurrence - lot's of us are making our way home and following the same path.  

     i turned into our sidewalk and had just made it up onto the porch when i heard her.  A distinctive "hawking" sound of gathering up some phlegm and then a loud spit.  i turned in surprise - i certainly didn't expect it, and saw her turn her head back away.  i didn't say the first words i wanted to ... Himself isn't crazy about me swearing ...  but i did manage to utter a derogatory toned "nice...." loud enough for her to hear.  

    i think i'm still a tad shocked, and miffed, about it.  i've had some experiences with disapproving people before, but this was over the line.   Usually people who don't approve of me for whatever reason, be it because i was clad in biker gear and hanging out on Harley's, or now hanging out with Himself *g*, are not so rude.  i just get a snub, or a frown.

     So it's been a few days of wondering what goes on in people's minds.  i wouldn't dream of spitting at someone.  i wonder what drove that poor woman to the end she chose for herself.  And i worry about my sister - only wishing that she will be happy.  

     It makes me selfish.  i just want to hug the kids and Himself, and hide under blankets.

     “Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it.”
       --Salvador Dali           

      Hint:  email

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