It would have been my parent's 50th wedding anniversary yesterday.  How bizarre is that?  And had they lived, they would be 66 (mom) and 67 (dad) years old.  The strange thing is that in spite of all the years that they should not have been together, they had in the end found a comfortable place to be, and would have made it to the 50 years - and even been happy with each other.  

     Toward the end of my mother's days she pulled out all the bad stuff about her husband however.  For several years and until the day she died, she liked to blame him for everything that went wrong in their life together.  i think i will always regret not having the courage to say to her that she was wrong.  Of course i realize that i can't possibly know all that went on with them - but i did live there.  i lived through a large portion of their bad times, and was often dragged into the middle of it.  Usually to call the police, or to clean up the aftermath.  i was able to see that she was more often to blame than he was when things got really bad.  His reactions were usually a drunken lashing back of frustration.  

     After he died, she went through several stages of grief, but seemed to settle most comfortably with the anger stage.  She never got past it.  Every physical ailment, every emotional upheaval, every financial challenge became his fault.  My siblings and myself were horrified.  We watched her spin out of control for the next seven and a half years, until the day she died.  Her sister, and i suppose even my siblings and myself, try to believe that all of this came from the fact that she had the brain tumor, and who knows for how long she had it.  But deep down inside my heart i know that it wasn't just the tumor that was the problem.  She was, and always had been, a frustrated, egocentric and angry person.  

     Despite my personal difficulties with him, i do know he would have cared for her through anything.   He was a very kind hearted and generous person, and i think he knew that she wasn't the most stable person - that she needed him as an anchor.  And he stayed.   So, had they lived, their 50th anniversary would have been a celebration of survival, in every true sense of the word.  And i think it would have been a joyous occasion.  It would have been coupled with the monetary donation to either the Diabetes Society or Down's Syndrome Society, both of which he was an avid supporter.  He never forgot where he came from - he never forgot being 13, penniless and homeless.  The better his own circumstances became, the more he wanted to help others.  These are things that help me to balance out the less pleasant memories.

     i still struggle to find a balance for the memories of her.  There are days i remember something that makes me smile, and other days - such as today - when i feel angry.  Both with her, and with myself for not speaking up and trying to remind her of some of his good qualities.  Even if she hadn't listened, it would have been healthier for me.  

     Sheesh.  The things i think early on a weekend morning.

     i'm about to blow Himself's cover.

     Work has been a nightmare lately - mostly because i am attempting to transition to another (and more job-secure) department.  This has resulted in my literally working two jobs - for the same rate of pay of course.  Sigh.  It also means lots and lots of long hours.  Which doesn't overly thrill Himself.

     Last night he called me at work.  And i could tell from His voice that no matter how supportive He was being, He'd really like me home.  Soon.  i suffered yet another rather large twinge of guilt.  A few minutes after hanging up i sent Him an email saying that and that i loved Him.  For the first time in my life i've learned what it's like to miss one's partner.  

     He bought me a treat.  He had to go to the store for something for dinner, and came back with a present.  Later, as i (finally home) was setting the table, He said that since He knew how much i disliked working so late, He'd brought me something - i asked what it was and He said 'come and see.'  And there on the kitchen counter was my treat - ginger snap love cookies!  That's exactly what they are labeled on the package and each tiny cookie is heart shaped!  And they are ginger snaps - i love ginger snaps!  (from the Shasha Bread Company)  

     i was so touched.  He of course slipped into His actor gruff mode, but the twinkle is His eye and slightly turned up corner of His mouth could not be hidden.  And later on i found it necessary to feed Him a love cookie, complete with a kiss.

     Hmmm...  a few love cookies and some grapes for breakfast might be a good idea for .... 

     i'm gone!

     “Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it.”
       --Salvador Dali           

      Hint:  email

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