April 19,  2003

     Family issues continue - and i'm struggling daily against a major depression.  i have found myself in a position of my actions being wrong no matter what i decide to do. Not only is it very frustrating, it's unfair.  

     Himself has been absolutely wonderful - doing His best to be supportive, and keeping me cheerful.  Because of that i find myself reluctant to talk about my problems.  How often is He really going to want to hear the same thing over and over?  i've been considering writing a separate journal, kept only on my computer, to get the feelings out.  

     The weird part of all of this is that i also discovered just how much being creative is tied to my moods.  i simply couldn't find the energy or the desire to do any sketching - not during all the various stresses.  Today i finally settled myself down and picked up a pencil again.  It was a good thing to do.  i avoided it for a bit - did some tidying up around the house instead - but finally just made myself "do it."  i'm even semi-happy with the results.  Who knew flowers could be so hard!

     The scanner makes everything look flat.  The sketch has more "life" - more depth - in reality.  i don't think i can do much to fix what the scanner does though.  Hmm.. i guess it just felt good to chill out and draw.  i'm still feeling pretty calm.  

     i was thinking early of one of the few Easters during my childhood that i can actually remember.  i have memories of more than one, but not many of them, and only one stays clear in my mind.  i must have been fairly young, judging from the house we were living in - certainly not more than about 5 or 6 - and the weather that day was glorious.  i remember being sent outside to play, wearing brand new summer clothes - shorts and a little shirt.  i was eating a banana.  i remember being really happy.  There weren't many times like that.

     And it has seemed all my life that the minute things are going good and i'm actually happy, something awful comes along.  i remember as a teen that i worked hard at not being too happy - 'cause something always slapped me down.

     Sheesh.  Depressing words on a sunny day.  Not good.  i'll stop before i ruin all the zen derived from the sketching.

     On a positive note, i've started the journalism course and it's going to be a tough one!  Ack - aren't i too old for school yet?