July
5, 2003
Okay,
so it's not much later. But i figured maybe explaining
what's in my head these days would help explain the
absense.
Maybe July will be a better headspace month for me.
It's not starting out that way however.
Our D/s continues to wan, while our relationship continues
to go along smoothly. i'm often amazed at how much i
love Him - and even after 5 years of knowing each other,
unlike previous relationships, i haven't ever had
the urge to leave.
Oh sure, we have some grumbles once in awhile, but for the
most part, we seem to have all our thoughts about each
other in order. But the time demands are not easing,
and i think Himself has shifted into the pressure of
"becoming Othello", in time to start
rehearsals. Which are only 8 weeks away. And
while i don't mind living with Othello (hey, he was a
black guy too! yum) i don't think he was into D/s.
i have made sure to give Him the day cuffs a few times
lately, but nothing much has come of it. It's very
sweet and all that, but He's been too tired, and been
crashing fairly early every night. Early enough for
me to start worrying about Him.
And i'm going through that icky stage i have a tendency to
slide into - not comfortable in my own skin. i
continue to evolve into a more rounded and mature body (i
refuse to say old! i'm not old yet!), and i know it's
inevitable, especially since my weight is still the
same. It's a combo of no exercise (we haven't
changed the seat on my bike to a 'girl' seat yet, or blown
up the tires, so can't ride it) and heredity. All my
relatives on my mother's side are built like me. So
i shouldn't be surprised.
i admit i had a secret hope of going to the side of my
unknown father (remember the landlord?) i still want
to write a story sometime and that will the title:
"The Landlord's Daughter." i think it's
catchy. And i'm convinced all the people on that
side were excruciatingly thin. Heh.
So anyway. It's getting closer to my birthday, i'm
not comfortable in my body, my hair continues to fall out
and i haven't figured out how to style it in its new
shortness, and i have more wrinkles. There - how's
that for a pity party!
So Himself wants to attend a lifestyle BBQ today, and i'll
be surrounded by young and energetic submissives. i
know i'll have fun - i always do when i get to these
things. And it's not like i totally hate myself or
anything. For all my kvetching, i'm still really
pleased with how i've been confident enough (thank you to
Himself) to get a great job, and start exploring art again
- and just not be afraid to try new things. i've
discovered it's not the end result but the efforts of
getting there, that are what has value.
i just wish i still had the confidence (and the body) i
had at 28 to be totally voyeuristic and exhibitionistic
again. Sometimes i miss that.
i'm gone.
PS - check out the games in the pervy site.
