July
14, 2003
One
thing i've noticed about the vanilla journal - i tend not
to be so introspective. Probably because of the
people who are reading it ... one fellow from work,
and some friends of ours that are not aware of some of the
finer points of our life. Although i think they
suspect.
It's fun to write it though. The entries tend to be
more light-hearted and more just about day to day
"stuff". And of course there was the
learning curve of using style sheets, etc., which is a
challenge i'm always up for.
Here though, i seem to vent my feelings more. i
examine more closely what's going on in my head.
i've been told i overdo it from time to time, but i'm
okay with that. Maybe it's just something i need to
do. i spend so much of my time being upbeat and
cheerful, at work because people need me to be and they look
for my guidance (i'm still trying to figure out how that
happened) and at home because Himself tends to nose-dive
into depressions, that i think this journal just gives me
an escape - and a way to shed my own demons.
So we did get to the B.B.Q., and as i predicted, we had a
lovely time. i especially enjoyed having a chance to
catch up in gossip with a pretty blonde friend that i
don't see very often. i swear if we lived in the
same city we'd be dangerous together.
And yes there were lovely, young and nubile submissives
about - but my fear of feeling out of place didn't
happen. i was perfectly comfortable there. And
i'd tucked a cincher in my purse, just in case. We
never did end up playing though - i think Himself was not
really in the mood, although He did say He thought i
wasn't terribly comfortable about the whole thing
anyway.
When we first met, one of the things He used to work with
me on was my self image. He made a rule - i was not
allowed to say bad things about my appearance. Over
the years, that rule (along with most of the others) has
gone to the wayside, but now i'm beginning to wish that
He'd put it in place again. i need Him to pay
attention, so that i pay attention. If that makes
any sense.
i don't have the self discipline to do it alone.
Perhaps that's why He's the dominant and i'm not. Or
maybe it's just because i will never be a truly
self-disciplined person. Lord knows i try, but i'm
really terrible at it. And so now, i'm back down the
path of negativity and trying to avoid mirrors. How
can i expect Him to look at me with any kind of lust, if
i'm busy making sure to hide my body? Well - except
my breasts - i flip those out at Him from time to
time. They are the only advantage of getting
rounder. *eg*
And something else that has just occurred to me - we have
so little time for D/s now.. what happens when He's gone
for awhile? Will it be gone totally by the time He
gets back?
