July
20, 2003
So i find myself on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster
these days. One moment i'm very up because i'm
living with this really cute guy, i have a good home, i
have a good job, i'm learning tai chi - and just generally
enjoying life.
Then i get all edgy - we don't have much time for D/s,
work is politically challenging and i get anxious about
the learning curves, and i'm worried about being alone for
7 weeks. And yeah, i'm approaching the birthday
really soon now. None of it's a very good mix.
It occurred to me the other day, that i've never actually
been on my own for that length of time. The only
alone time i can remember was when i moved out of the
house at the age of 17. But i moved into a boarding
house - so there were people around. When i was
traveling, i was in a group. When i was in school i
shared the apartment at first, then got into a
relationship - so i was never alone on weekends.
Then i got married and had kids - even after the divorce,
the kids were with me, so i wasn't really alone.
Then the second marriage - and then moving
here.
So, for some people 7 weeks doesn't seem all that long -
but for someone who's never done it, and will be totally
responsible for a house - it suddenly seems a bit
daunting. i'm sure i'll be fine of course - the
hardest part will be filling in the evening hours and
fighting off the loneliness. Knowing me, i'll
probably move house things around, which will drive
Himself crazy when He gets back. But it will keep me
busy and out of trouble.
i am looking forward to getting back to drawing as well -
i'm hoping the need to fill the hours will get me
motivated to get back to practicing. i've kind of
fallen off the drawing wagon for a bit. It's weird
though - every time i sit down to draw lately, my head
suddenly gets filled with words and i write instead.
Weirdness indeed.
And i guess the female angst of worrying about other women
around never really goes away - not even with age. i
mean, if i find Him pretty cute, it only stands to reason
there's others out there that will find Him cute as
well. So all those stories He used to tell me about
actors and what they get up to when they are working out
of town, suddenly take on a whole new meaning.
And sure, i'm supposed to trust Him - and i do - it's all
those other women i don't trust.
i also know how easy it is - especially after a few
drinks. And if the person is someone you already
know. Been there done that - can write the book, in
fact.
So anyway, all these thoughts have had me up and down and
around a gazillion times, in my head. Nonsense
thoughts, that none-the-less, have drifted through my
mind.
And while i know it is never wise to wish one's time away,
suddenly i wish that the 7 weeks were already done.
