October
19, 2003
So i know it's been awhile. And while i can think of
a ton of excuses, the honest truth is my heart just wasn't
into writing here. And i'm not sure it is even now,
although i'm going to go through the motions at least, and
see what happens.
Sometimes in life you really learn the good, the bad, and
the ugly. And with Himself gone for so long, i also
relearned the loneliness
factor. Blech.
It wasn't bad for the first few weeks - kind of cool
actually. i did all those 'single' type
things. Eating dinner standing up (providing i even
bothered with dinner), visiting with people during the
week - wearing what i wanted when i wanted, and where ever
i wanted. i wore clothes to bed *gasp* and
even masturbated *gasp gasp* (Himself gave prior
permission). And i wrote a silly little story that
i'd hoped to continue with on a weekly basis, but hey,
good intentions are like New Year's resolutions
sometimes. And when a whole lot of nasty stuff
starts happening, it's hard to keep the resolutions.
Suffice to say i'd rather not speak of the nasty stuff
here as it involves the loss of a family member who, while
we were all aware was advanced in years, we weren't ready
to lose yet. But then, are we ever ready to lose
someone we love? And for me personally - i hadn't
expected the pain that i felt, as it was Himself's side of
the family. It was a pain for the loss, but also a
harder pain for His loss.
It's hard to explain except that i've discovered that i
love someone so much, that His pain is more important to
me than my own. If that makes any sense.
But anyway - i'm trying to journal again. We'll see
what happens.
