October
24, 2003
So, i'm in the second hour of my two week vacation!
Yes! Considering the fact that it's been nearly 1.5
years since i've had a "real" break - i more
than need this vacation.
i started celebrating early by falling off the carb wagon
and having fish and chips for lunch. i shouldn't
have. Now my stomach is hurting and the food wasn't
even that good. And i feel awful. So - another
proof positive that processed carbs and my body just don't
mix well. i'll stick to "good" carbs,
thank you very much.
i've been reading back on earlier entries. And it
has me wondering what the next few months will bring, now
that Himself is going to be home again. We'll go
through a readjustment time - that's a given - but i
wonder what else? This absence has reaffirmed my
love for Him, but also reaffirmed to me that i need a
rules-based relationship. i need the reality of a
Dominant person taking charge of me - even when i get
snotty and rebel.
my ideas of a D/s relationship have totally evolved into
something i believe is a lot more well-rounded than it
first was. But one aspect has always held true in my
mind - a D/s relationship is about paying attention.
And if you don't pay attention, things start to fall
apart.
i suppose that can be said about any relationship.
And i could argue that this type of relationship is
different, because we have a set of needs that are
definitely against the mainstream. But i'm sure
there's many a person out there in Normal Land that would
argue they have their own issues to deal with.
Having been in a variety of said relationships, i'd have
to agree.
Back to D/s however. i think any relationship has to
be grounded on a large variety of compatibilities.
And because there's that variety, there's room for
negotiation of some of the strengths and weaknesses of
each participant. The negotiation does not
negate the D/s - but in fact can strengthen it by clearly
defining each other's role in the relationship and then
accepting the responsibility of the
role.
i used to think that if we didn't play - then we were not
practising our D/s. But this absence from each other
has helped me to see that we are, in fact, still very D/s
- just not indulging in BDSM on a regular basis. D/s
(to me) is about domination and submission - and no where
in the rule books does it say that those two words only
count if one is constantly the floggee and the other the
flogger.
Do i miss that part? Yes i do, very much so.
It was "paying attention" at its finest.
In fact today, while cleaning, i found some notes i'd
received from Himself in the past - small lists of
instructions that i looked forward to. They were
never long and detailed - simple things such as changing
out of my clothes, putting on the cuffs and decompressing
after a day at work.
But even without those, or other activities on a regular
basis, we are still very much D/s. The past two
months have underlined that fact; He's still the
dominant in this house, and i'm still the
submissive. Regardless of the circumstances - be it
deciding dinner, or obeying the 8 o'clock bra-off rule, i
still defer to Him.
During the 2 months, the days that i did not have
contact from Him were the days that i most often felt
totally unguided and not at all grounded. i
would have difficulty making any sort of decision. i
would be grumpy at work. The days we had contact ran
smoothly - i would send Him emails of the house bills, or
phone messages, or whatever - He would respond with
directions and i'd happily go off to do His bidding.
So our natures don't change. What changes is our
method of accepting responsibility for those
natures. We get so comfortable in the blending of
our personalities, that we forget to stoke and stroke the
relationship.
A few weeks ago i gently reminded Himself that in all the
time He'd been gone, He hadn't once told me to put on the
cuffs. Was He busy while He was away?
Excrutiatingly so. But there were moments when a
simple request would have been easy. A brief email,
an ICQ message. On the flip side, did i ever
tell Him i was feeling disjointed and anxious?
Nope. And i should have.
We forgot to be responsible in our relationship - assumed
each other was fine. He was harried and anxious
about His work. Maybe i should have said Sir a lot
more - to boost His morale and confidence. And i was
feeling totally undirected - maybe He should have guessed
and sent a brief direction.
So. Having said all that, i think we are a lot more
D/s than i first understood. When He listened to
what i said about the cuffs, He understood, and i did in
fact get those orders, twice. It did my head a world
of good. It also helped underline to me that i've
been lazy in my responsibility. He sent the order,
and i nearly forgot to carry it through. If i were
paying attention, that near-slip would not have
happened.
It will be interesting to see what the next few months
bring.
