October
29, 2003
Sometimes i need to write words, but i can't find them in
me. So i start with a sentence like this, and
hope something will come out eventually. Although
it's hard to type with a kitten in your lap, wrapped in
the chain of the day cuffs that Himself has attached to
me.
He didn't tell me to get them out. i chose
too. i needed it. And He's still too much
involved with jet lag and culture shock and
mourning, to be able to really do more than prepare
a roast for the oven. Which is now cooking and
lending wonderful cooking smells to the downstairs.
Yum.
Last night His older brother spent the night, and He was
more in Dom mode. Back to where i crave for He and i
to stay. Even if it did mean i had to try chicken
liver pate. Gross! But today He was back to
just being quiet. i think giving Him the day cuffs
was my attempt to let Him know gently that there's still
another human being out there that He's accepted
responsibility for. One that is willing to
wait. And not just me - His "world" - His
daughter, my kids, the people He works with, His
friends. We are all still here. And while
right now that might seem a lot overwhelming, time will
ease that impression. i'm positive of that, 'cause i
know He wants us all around. And sometimes the
reality that is "us" is the best thing.
i remember when my mother died. i felt like my
emotions were hanging about me in a huge dark cloud.
He kept me focused. i was still expected to behave
in a manner that made Him proud - expected to continue our
rituals as well. And that kept me well-grounded and
centered. It helped me work through the emotions and
find places for them to be. Healthier spaces.
i think left to my own devices they would have scattered
around in my brain and i'd still be bitter. In fact,
i occasionally wrestle with bitterness even now, years
later. But i can get past that and remember the
better moments.
So presenting the day cuffs to Him was a heart-felt
expression of love, and an expression of need. And
i'm okay with that. i believe we both need the focus
of the rituals right now. i just hope He agrees.
