November
5, 2003
SONNET 57
Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?
I have no precious time at all to spend,
Nor services to do, till you require.
Nor dare I chide the world-without-end hour
Whilst I, my sovereign, watch the clock for you,
Nor think the bitterness of absence sour
When you have bid your servant once adieu;
Nor dare I question with my jealous thought
Where you may be, or your affairs suppose,
But, like a sad slave, stay and think of nought
Save, where you are how happy you make those.
So true a fool is love that in your will,
Though you do any thing, he thinks no ill.
i had every word of this sonnet memorized during the first
months Himself and i were seeing each other. i'm sad
to admit that it didn't stay in my brain very well, and
i'll have to re-memorize. But i think i
should.
i wonder if Shakespeare knew what it was to be submissive,
as the words he penned speak to that reality. It
describes a particular mindset that is expected of a
submissive by a Dominant and probably the most hard to
achieve. And the sonnet suggests the never-ending
wait that a submissive does. It's hard to describe
that "wait" - i wish i could find the right
words, but i don't think i can. Others who live like
me will recognize what it is i'm trying to say
though.
When i was first expected to learn the sonnet, Himself was
helping me to learn a lot of things. Things about
the lifestyle, about Him, and about myself. And
while i don't believe i've forgotten those lessons, how
they are applied now is much different from
then.
i haven't a clue where i'm going with this. Snippets
of thoughts float through my brain and are so random that
i get confused.
i think we have stopped learning together. Not as a
couple who love each other and who are forming a good
relationship to grow old together in - because i believe
we are definitely doing that. But rather we
stopped exploring our dominant/submissive personalities
and how they work together. And even as i write
these words, they are coming out harsher than what i'm
thinking. Blech. Words are frustrating to find
sometimes.
i guess what i mean is that we've gotten into the habit of
assumptions. A mini D/s rut? There's a whole
bunch of stuff to explore in this lifestyle, and we
haven't done the exploring. And that's what i pray
we get back to. i suspect we might. But unless
i start expressing my thoughts again and we start talking about it, He won't know where it is i am interested in
going, nor will i know His interests.
He is trying to purchase a new flogger type thing, so i'm
taking that as an indication that what i suspected is
still right - He still has the desire to walk down the
physical path of dominance. i think we should talk
about that path more, and share the things we'd really
like to do. i know there are days when i experience
a definite ache to do some of the ideas in my head.
i get filled with such a longing that it almost hurts, and
yet i don't talk about it. That makes me
wrong.
i want to know what it is like to wear a chastity
belt. Even just a fake one - just the mindset of it,
which i'll probably hate and have to struggle with my
personality to accept losing control of my body. But
that's the kicker - it's that struggle that i look
for. i want to experience the sensation of being
tied up and treated like a piece of furniture. The
list could go on. But it's not the physical act that
hits the trigger - or perhaps it is actually. The
physical act triggers something in my brain that answers
to my personality. That's what intrigues me.
And when it does that to me, it triggers something in Him
- and i find that absolutely fascinating. It's our
circle, at it's finest.
Last night, as He left for His class, i asked Him if there
were any D/s-ish things He wanted me to do. He
responded with the fact that i already know how i'm
supposed to be waiting for Him. And i did.
After cleaning up and prepping dinner, i took a cushion
from the couch and placed it in the kitchen, on the
floor. i poured myself a small drink, fastened the
leather cuffs to my wrists, then sat on the cushion and
waited for Him.
That small amount of direction, and His control of my
will, is how i respond best to my personality.
Without that, i constantly feel like i'm out of
control. i spend so much time at work having to be
this other "personna", that without a strong
presence of D/s dynamics at home, i flounder. i
can't decompress. And if i'm experiencing all that,
how much is He experiencing if the D/s dynamic isn't a
constant presence in the relationship for Him as well?
i'm sure there are tons of people out there that would
suggest a good counselor. But do i really
need counseling just because i crave for Him to give me
orders and rules to follow, and He checks to make sure i have
done them? Is it really wrong to get off on
receiving an email of instructions? Or being made to
stand in a corner with my genitals exposed? If my
head is in a good space, and He gets satisfaction, then
what could possibly be wrong with that?
So. Next week i'm back to work (no more vacation
*sigh*). He's already gearing back up to His theatre
responsibilities and such. Our time is going to
narrow down again. How are we going to maintain what
we've just gained in our reunion, and keep moving forward?
